Distracted by Shiny Objects

Farewell

2005-09-27T17:15:00.000-04:00

It's been a great year, we've laughed, we've cryed, we've listened to stories of Tiny's self manipulation (many times), but it's time to throw in the towel. Our readers (that's you guys) have seemed to have lost interest in us these past few months, therefore i believe it is time to say goodbye. Don't be sad, all good things must come to an end, but remember, DbSO lives on in all of YOU.

Remember Steimes, founder of this site and close friend of the pope. Tiny, a man who defies the laws of nature by not being blind or having hairy palms. MZP, sultry siren of DbSO and lover of all things erotic and animated, Sergio,...a cat fetus. Sonofatruckload, although his posts may have been few, his spirit fueled the furnace that kept this place warm, and last but not least, your pal, ZBee. Is it even possible to resist his charm and all around good looks? Many have tried but nary a soul has accomplished such a daunting task. with posts that informed the public of the rednecks' plan to conquer the world, Ashlee Simpson's amazing vocal talent, (or lack thereof) and the legendary beverage of the gods, can we ever forget ZBee? i submit that we cannot!

but seriously folks, we appreciate each and every one of you guys and thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Without you we wouldnt have lasted one day but we've managed to stay alive for over a year. So for the last time, this is ZBee reminding you to stay gangsta and keep it crunk. Peace out homies.

Crunk Juice

2005-09-14T12:01:00.002-04:00

this post, of course is about that legendary sipsip known as crunk juice. now many of you may be asking yourselves: "What is this mysterious beverage and how do i unlock the secret to its power!?" well ill tell ya motherfucker so quit asking! Crunk juice is the drink of the gods. It was bestowed upon little john by Crunkalopolis, god of almighty energy, to distribute to the most qualified and virtuous champions on the planet. those who drink it will experience power unfathomable to the human mind. mountains will move at your will, you will be able to breathe water just as if it were air, flight will no longer be just a dream, but one of many abilities that most humans are not ready to behold. The drinkers of crunk juice will be able to crush buildings with their eyelashes, punch holes into the space time continuum, and throw brandon jolls into outerspace with one hand. i am one such drinker of the sacred sip, and this post serves as a warning to all those who defy me. the day of reckoning is at hand. you have no chance to survive make your time.

...

2005-07-22T03:08:00.000-04:00

Im at a loss for words my fellow DbSO'ers...i cant even contemplate a title horrible enough to describe the travesty that i witnessed while walking through walmart late one night. As you are all aware, the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" has gained great popularity with todays americans, and why not? with comedic gold such as jokes about the rise of gas prices, or how larry the cable guy is ironically disgusted by fat people, who wouldnt laugh at such GUT BUSTING HILARITY!? but the material of these so called comedians is not what this post is (primarily) about. The aforementioned travesty on which my eyes befell happened to be in the toy aisle of a local walmart. since i am at a loss for words, i will simply let the pictures tell the story...

Yea, that's right...blue collar comedy tour dolls complete with their one liners and jokes to further decrease the IQ of the population. yes, these boys are very blue collar alright, its not like they have millions of dollars from their comedy specials, DVD's, CD's, and now plush toys, NOOOOO, they work their hands to the bone to provide what little they can for their families.

Listen, im not telling you what to laugh at here, if you honestly think that these guys are funny then more power to you. All im saying is dont take everything at face value, these guys are no more blue collar than bill gates. if you still dont believe me then you can go to walmart, buy a blue collar doll, and quickly, but more importantly, safely insert it into your anal cavity and continue to enjoy that mind numbing dribble you call humor.

JDRF Prejudicial?

2005-07-21T06:01:00.000-04:00

If you are a TV fanatic like me, then by now im sure you've seen the commercial for the Juvenille Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF) in which children are depicted sharing their ideas on what a hero is to them. Not just any hero, however, for these kids want us to know who their "bestest hero" is. They hint to us that their hero is niether a princess nor a cowboy, thus ruling out half the population of texas and cinderella. The children go on to share, that their hero could be a mommy! Ok so lets recap; to save these children you must have certain qualifications...

no.1) no tiaras, tea time, or crashing your car as a result of paparazi pursuit (too soon?)

no.2)if you enjoy country music, spend your day herding cattle, lassoing sheep, and bull riding, or if you play football for the city of dallas, then im sorry but you are not eligible to donate money to the foundation.

no.3)if you have given birth to a child or if you are pregnant, or believe that you are pregnant then you must send either a copy of your child's birth certificate or two(2) positive pregnancy tests along with your donation to the JDRF.

Now im sure that the JDRF is a great organization that is helping children all over the world, but i think that if they just learn to accept people no matter their profession, then they would be much more respected and for that matter, funded.

Reader Mail bag...sort of

2005-07-06T14:50:00.000-04:00

Hummm Steimes back after months....time for a mail bag....

I got this e-mail a few months ago, but becuase I am a lazy lazy lazy dude, I am just now posting it for your reading pleasure.

Dear Mr. Fancy Pants,

I have been reading your internet newspaper on my grandmother's WebTV for the past two weeks and thirteen days. In that time, I have been revolted, shocked, angered, constipated and slightly chapped. You should be ashamed of yourself Mr. I Can Put Perverterd Pictures of The Pope on the Internet Box! You caused me such trouble (although I can't be too sure you caused the last two alements, but I have my subspitions) and discomfort that I am called my aturney [sic] and having you and your internet magazine subscription service shut down for EVAR [also, sic]. You family should bow their heads in shame for producing a offspring capable of such moral turpatude and ill repute! Never in my 27 years of working as a life guard at the local carwash have I ever seen or heard such language that comes from your world wide web of filth. I was talking to my spiritual advisors Billy Grahm and Jerry Farwell over the TV and they both agree, it is passe to where white after labor day, and the Boston Red Sox and the NHL are plotting to take over the world. And another thing, that whole thing with you stealing JonBenet Ramsey from her home is awful, give her back. Please pay my gas bill, I got a shut off notice....

And after that it was fourteen printed pages of the letter k repeating. I am not sure of the mental state of our seemingly confused writter, but we are currently taking donations to help him or her get some mental help...and the fuck off of WebTV....

If you have any questions, coments, death threats or reports that I may or maynot be the father of your children please send an e-mail to Steimes@gmail.com.

Alzheimer's, Tragic or Blessing?

2005-07-01T22:23:00.000-04:00

Now before you all send me terrible hate filled e-mails about how your great grandmother's pimp twice removed has Alzheimer's and it should never be made fun of, hear me out. My grandfather has it too, and it is a painful thing to witness him forget where he placed his suppository (and more painful for me to retrieve it for him...) and porno, it can also has its fringe benefits.

I went to the local Ponderosa and decided to get my fair share of diarrhea inducing slop n' cornbread. Aside from the usual onslaught of body odor bellowing from the cows grazing at the all you can eat fried chicken bins; it was a rather pleasant meal. The best part of the meal was from the ever popular"make you own ice cream cone machine." I was in a heated argument with my date on weather the pink or yellow power ranger was in fact the hottest of the two and placed a few chopped nuts into the bottom of my cone. I finished my cone as we both agreed the black power ranger was in fact the hottest ranger and reached the nuts, wow what a surprise that was (and a welcome mental image, nice salty nuts in my mouth and a hot man running through my mind)! Now if only Alzheimer's could use these type of surprises to their advantages, the disease could be looked at as a blessing not a burden.

The Hotness

Just think of the possibilities, got a shitty dead end job cleaning the bed sheets at the brothel? Forget about it.

Bad case of genital warts keeping you from an active sex life? Forget you have them and go bareback! No worries.*

Don't update you web site for months on end, opps sorry Alzheimer's!

Misplace the car keys? Fuck you didn't even remember you had a car, I wonder what color it is?

Can't erase the faces of all those people you violently sodomized and beat to death with fresh produce during your tour with Green Peace in the early 90's? You can now!

So if you or a loved one is diagnosed with Alzheimer's , remind them that it isn't all that bad, then remind them again because... well you know.

*warp it up guys, we have enough assholes like you around already.

Men's Room

2005-04-26T22:33:00.000-04:00

I am sure I am in the minority here but, I love public restrooms. I like peeing in foreign places, legally. Almost as much as I love peeing foreign places illegally (like you never took a wizz in the fountain at the mall). Its just nice and refreshing to take a satisfying pee in a urinal, its the best. And if you pee in a kiddie urinal its like an instant confidence boster, hey hey lookin' big today lil' Steimes. Its like you don't have to aim when faced with a urinal, I just put my hands behind my head and let it fly wherever it wants, pee free or die baby. Oh course there is a danger of going into a stall tiny has visited, but as long as you avoid the man cream, you will be fine.

As expected, not everyone thinks the same way as me (and will be killed when I come into power). This guy hates public restrooms, but I have to admit he has his points. Because the cartoon character looks like me, I am going out on a limb and saying that this cartoon was made for me and DbSO.* Give it a watch (its a flash)

Click here to watch, or the pic above my big fat floating head.

*Flash not really made for us, but we are special and like to think they had us in mind

His Fetusness, Pope Sergio I

2005-04-22T00:42:00.000-04:00

Pope Sergio I
Damn those guys work fast. I was just working on my campaign of propaganda in which I would reveal why I, Sergio, should be the next Pope. I figured I had atleast another day to get this project up and running. Well, anyways..in hopes of them reversing the decision (I mean, come on, you all saw it here first...that guy looks like Sidious [Editor's note: the creapy emproror from starwars]) Or in case that old dude gives in to the Big Guy as well, here is why you should support Pope Sergio I...

Pro-Abortion: Otherwise, I wouldn't be standing here today. (well, more like floating) So who am I to judge? Though, I'd probably phrase it more as "pro-women's choice" because if I had the opportunity, I would've liked to experience birth (even though being aborted was better than nothin...you gotta take what you can get!) and it would have been nice to find out which no-no spot parts I'd develop. Which brings me to my next point... (good segue, huh?)

I would support the women who want to become priests. I never had the chance to
actually develop all the necessary parts, so I was never able to determine my actual gender. And I wouldn't want to discriminate against myself.

I can also bring a philosophical look that would help everyone figure out the meaning of life, such as "which came first, the fetus or the fucking cats?" ...that's cats that are fucking...not 'fucking cats' like i'm bitter or something just because they have penises and a thick coat of fur and open eyes. That would be silly of me.

Well, that is why, in a nutshell, I should be the Pope. I think these are major issues that people wanted in their pope. But my ship may have passed.

Maybe you guys could just elect me the DbSO Pope?

How 'bout that?

2005-04-19T23:51:00.000-04:00

conspiracy?

The Twin, The Parents, The Outcome

2005-04-14T20:06:00.000-04:00

Some times I wonder if I had a twin. When I say wonder, I really mean, have a pretty good idea I had a twin. Now I say had, because its pretty obvious that I do not have a twin now, unless we keep him in the tool shed, the tool shed that I am not aware of. Anyways, back to my twin theory.

Me and my twin

I guess I should start back to the day I was born. I imagine I was an easy birth, being that I am perfect 'n such. So I came out in like 45 minutes or so, no fuss no mess. But like after my mom is all dressed and ready to go home and cook and clean (what else do they do?) 45 minutes after I was born she feels like she has indigestion (I should also point out I think child birth feels a lot like when you eat bad taco bell). So she goes back into the room and the doctor confirms her fears. This time the unexpected twin gives my poor mother 18 hours of hellish pee pee wrenching child birth, probably like driving a mack truck through a donut whole. He is born and my parents are devastated, they only wanted one, not two for fucks sake. So my mom and dad try to sneak me out of the hospital and leave my unnamed and unwanted twin there. But of course they come after them screaming you forgot your baby. Damnit.

They have to take him home anyways. They decide to try out having me and my twin for a year or two, but don't give him a formal name so not to get attached. They just refer to him as "that other one." He is so dumb and smelly and I am so perfect, the poor twin never had a chance of gaining their love. Poor Bastard. So for my first birthday party I think instead of getting me presents and having a party, they made a special meat pie. Now I am not saying what the pie was made of, but it rhymes with "fead maybe farts." And from my first birthday on, me my mom and dad lived happy ever after together.

Now I am sure some of you think my superstition, although completely manifested in my mind without proof, makes my parents sick demented incestual cannibals, but to me, it just shows how much they love me and how special they think I am.

For a written transcript of this post please send a self addressed to e-mail Steimes@gmail.com, or alternatively copy and paste this text.

Also on another note I wonder how many google hits I will get from people searching for incestual cannibals...

Hats off to you

2005-04-12T14:41:00.000-04:00

Yup, its going to be one of those posts

[Editor's note: Sorry the site was broken this and most of last week, there were some problems with the webserver. Some parts of the site will not work properly, but since those are mostly older posts, no big deal right?]As I said before, in my absence I missed a lot of opportunities. While I was ignoring my website I was ignoring my damn cell phone's voicemail. Normally its just the usual voice messages "Hey Steimes, the cock fight has been pushed back till Friday," or "Call me back if you want to know what happened to Sonofatruckload, or if you ever want to see him again, you have two hours." You know nothing to special, so I usually only check them about every other week.

Wouldn't you know it, the one time I get an important message on my voice mail I don't check it until it is to late. It was from Italy, apparently they wanted me to check my e-mail for an job offer (I don't check my e-mail often either). So I finaly get around to checking the mail and I get this little nugget:

To: Steimes@gmail.com
From: HolyRoller420@TheVat.co.va

Subject: A new has job just opened up - act fast!

Hey wazz'up steimes!!!!11!!1 Its been a long time since we partied man, that was a wild time. We haven't rocked this joint like that since the crusades mo' fucker. Cardinal Bellio still doesn't know about what you did to him when he passed out, but needless to say we all bust out laughing when he eats pickles, poor bastard has no idea.

Anyways, I'm writing this to offer you a job. In case you haven't heard our boss retired and we are looking for his replacement. Me and the other cardinals have been talking it over and you are the right mother fucking bastard for the jizzob. This place ain't the same with you around and none of us lazy assholes feel like lugging around that stupid ass hat all day. Anyways hit us back when you get this.

Peace out bitch!
Cardinal Tintouls

P.S. If you take the offer or not, we always have plenty of wine and alter boys, so come on over and lets rock this bitch.

By the time I got the e-mail and responded, he said it was to late. Apparently they are making a big deal about the replacement and with the media and all they have to do it about the book. Anyways I got to thinking about it, and I was thinking maybe DbSO should have a pope. The pope wouldn't really have any special job to do or anything, just sit around and look like a bad ass in the hat. So I am having a contest, all you have to do is submit a picture of you in a pope hat, and we will vote on the winner. I don't know if this will get many submissions so to start it off I made the DbSO crew in pope hats.

Tiny also has a pope for this bishop.

She likes her hat a bit smaller.
John misunderstood the assignment

Bellas likes his ladys and the ladys like the pope hat.

Like you didn't see this one coming

Ok there you have it, my photoshop skills are great as always. You know where to send the hate mail to....

I have bad taste

2005-04-04T22:34:00.000-04:00

despite the rumors, I have not died. I was not abducted by a secret government funded ninja death squad made up of large breasted women and taken to their super secret hideout and beaten for hours in hopes of revealing the secrets of my talking fetus pet and time machine. Despite Mz. P's constant recommendation and coaxing I was not shooting man on man on vegetable porn with Tiny. Where the hell was I then? Lazyvill, 'nuff said.

So I missed a lot of golden humor opportunities while I was gone, as well as lost a lot of regular readers as well. Well if you are reading this, you either stayed or are new. If you are new then you should know these three things.

If you are easily offended, this site is not for you
Never drink anything Tiny gives you.
Seriously, I am going to offend like 85% of people just four of five lines down from this.

So back to the show....

One of the big stories during my trip to Lazyvill was the Terri Shcivo case. I don't know why this was such a big debate really, to me it was a no-brainer since day one (*rim shot*). But regardless of your moral feelings about this case any business minded person would have been a fool not to see the endless marketing potential in this media circus.

Well I am glad at least the fine people at ABC can smell a goldmine when they um.. smell one. They are planning on producing a made for TV movie about the whole ordeal. They said that the hardest part will be casting the roll for the lead. We at DbSO lavatories have even been contacted on assisting the producers at ABC with the casting. Although I cannot say who we have chosen due to the non-discosulre agreement we had to sign, I think I can bend the rules and show you a picture of our proposed leading lady.

Well we are back, did you miss us? I missed you, well most of you. I will try to post more, I promise. As always e-mail any and all death threats to Steimes@gmail.com.

Sergio Breaks the Ice

2005-03-28T19:21:00.002-05:00

"DbSO updated?! WTF!"

Since no one else is updating, I figured I could. I mean,
hell, I'm just a cat fetus in a jar. What else do I have
better to do?

So i go to this chinese place...seems like a nice establishment.
Beautiful panda decorations and friendly waitors asking
"what you wrike to wrink?" and I'm like, I don't care, just
give me the buffet. I wanted to avoid all possible communication
with the strange men that I cannot understand. That and I
wanted delicious chinese food. But some of the chicken tasted
funny. Aparently there are some rumors going around that
chinese food is made from cat. what?!?! This is insane...an
outrage. Those bastards! oh, but it's so good! I can't stop
eating it! I love the taste, and rolling the meat around in
their special sauce. Does that make me sick?

I could try to make sense (or even make a point) to this
story but i'm not going to. Instead, I will recommend that
you visit this site. It is a nice little site about a place
called Cat Town, and apparently, in this particular story,
they took part in the same horrible act that I did. (you'll
have to read it all to see what I mean). What all
of this means, I'll never know. But I wonder....was it the
act of eating their own kind that drove them crazy
to the point of wearing those ridiculous hats? Cuz if it is...
order me up one of those frog ones...they're sweet! I am sooo
not giving up chinese food!

Sergio Breaks the Ice

2005-03-28T19:21:00.001-05:00

"DbSO updated?! WTF!"

Sergio Breaks the Ice

2005-03-28T19:21:00.000-05:00

"DbSO updated?! WTF!"

Pimp my Jar

2005-02-25T07:52:00.000-05:00

As you may have heard from Steimes' previous post "Everyone is Busy," I have been busy detailing my jar. In the following pictures, you can see the view from the top of my new lid with a kick ass rim, and of my sweet new green neons.

Bad ass lid with a disk lock.

The green glow acents my pink undevelpoed sexy body.

Isn't that just badass? And you know how I was able to get all these sweet new additions?

From selling drugs.

That's right, I sell drugs. To kids, to old people, whoever wants 'em, really. Now, my drug of choice is the chronic, but I'll sell pretty much anything.

Nothin like smokin' up and chillin with my gangstas [Editor's note: Shoutout too the E-town Fetus Mafia] or thinking about what life is really about while listening to some really chill music.

But yeah, i'm living the luxurious life. Who needs to make an honest living when this is so freakin easy? you wouldn't believe how easy it is to get a little kid hooked on drugs. Sure, programs like D.A.R.E., which teaches kids to say no to drugs, might put up a roadblock from time to time. But nothing a little cocaine can't handle. You just get 'em to try a little nose candy, and they're all yours for the robbing....and the messing up of their lives. Then I make 'em dish out the big bucks. And my life is better for it.

...Thanks, illegal drugs!!

Almost Famous?

2005-02-14T09:03:00.000-05:00

For those of you unaware, VH1, or the music television channel for those over 25, airs a show called "Best Week Ever" once a week, in which a variety of panelists discuss the hot topics of the week in a comedic fashion. This week, however, I was watching the show and to my amazement, I see a familiar, fat face. No, it's not the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, it was Mr. MIAHEEEE MIAHOOO himself SINGIN ON THE TEE-VEE! Now you know that the staff at VH1 had to search the internet for this guy, and I couldnt help but wonder, what if they happened upon DbSO!? The excitement brought on by such a notion caused me to squeal with such elation that I woke up my girlfriend sleeping beside me. She grunted and went back to sleep but I was too pumped to even consider slumber!! If you are interested, the next Best Week Ever airs this friday at 11:30 PM, though im not sure if it is the one from this week or a new one. Be sure to check it out, you won't be disappointed!

A Valentine's Day Salute to Viagra

2005-02-14T00:09:00.000-05:00

Click on Princess to watch something from the creators of South Park
Valentines Day is only one day away! So for all you forgetful gentlemen, you may want to raid what's left of the V-day gifts at Wal-mart and get your women the perfect teddy bear (or teddy) and some chocolates. But in all the V-day excitement and confusion, we often forget a very special and unfortunate part of the population (and it must be a substantial number for the amount of damn advertisements). I am referring to the unlucky flaccid individuals who suffer from erectile dysfunction. So to give the Erectile Dysfunctioners a little Valentine's Day giggle, here are two of my favorite flash cartoons! (I hope this isn't anyone's lovelife 20 years from now!)

Everyone is Busy

2005-02-10T10:07:00.000-05:00

We have not been posting much lately because everyone on the crew is busy as all can be. Even Sergio has been busy detailing his jar, its looking real nice, he's getting neons and a crome lid. Anyways, sorry for the lack of updates.

Sergio Goes to the Dojo

2005-02-07T01:27:00.000-05:00

Three strands of rope. Rocky, Colt, and Tum-Tum. The guy who's eyes blink when you kick him in the nuts. Know what I'm talking about yet?

That's right, its the subject for my latest adventure. The hit movie 3 Ninjas has long inspired me to be a ninja. So every day for the past 2 days I have been going down to our local dojo to begin my journey to enlightenment.

I've been learning lots of defensive moves, jump kicks, leg sweeps, useful weapon techniques, all while wearing the most kick ass bathrobe you'll ever see. But I was getting tired of all of that. Sure it's cool to know I can throw a ninja star at someone and pierce their nipple or cut off their head, whichever I choose....but what I really wanted was a ninja name.

So during the last ninja-name-giving-ceremony (sorry to get technical with the ninja lingo and terminology), I was kneeling before my sensei, and as he held out my fierce looking mask, he said to me:

"Sergio....you are stealthy and cat-like, able to sneak up behind your opponent with
sneak attacks unlike any I've ever seen. Your claws, sharpened to perfection, can do damage that makes them regret wanting to steal your kitty litter. I shall name you....Panther."

Ok, so its not THE coolest name ever, but it sure does kick the shit out of "Tum-Tum".

[Editor's Note: I recently had the displesure of watching this movie recently. It reminded of something, to maak e ahit movie in the early 90's all you needed was Ninjas, Pizza, aqnd little kids kicking adults in the nuts (often).]

This Means War

2005-02-03T21:00:00.000-05:00

Click to watch the clip
Remember Malcom in the middle? I do, at least the first season of it then I stopped watching. It might even still be on, but what do I know. Anywho, I stumbled over this great clip. After watching it I wondered why women pay less than men for insurance. Then again who wouldn't want to pay back that bitch in that Rustang? I was going to write something about how women should pay more for insurance one week out of the month, but it was lame and I am really not that sexist. So you just get the video, sorry.

Click to watch the clip

Chuck me in the ground or burn me?

2005-02-03T14:00:00.000-05:00

I was thinking today, a rare event. I figure, instead of being buried, or cremated, I want to be honey roasted.

It just sounds nicer to me.

This has nothing to do with the above post

I feel ripped off

2005-02-02T13:40:00.000-05:00

Apparently Dr. Pepper stole my idea of brining back the muppet song Du-da-dana and uses it in a commercial. I was jamming out the song and my sister asks me if that commercial is on. What commercial I say, I am simply basking in the joy that is The Muppet Show. So hum, I guess I will have to watch TV and see if this is true.

To make this post less pointless I am adding a picture of one of my idols, talking to a bear. Sad thing is Christopher Walken is unaware that is not a real bear but a person in that bear costume, he's just crazy like that.

Click picture for full size.

Deaf Hooker

2005-01-31T23:03:00.000-05:00

Remember when I told you all about our one fan who was blind (hard to believe someone would not come here just to look at my sexy mug, I mean look at me I'm deadsexy)? Well continuing in Distracted by Shiny Objects' accessibility for the sensory deprived series I bring to you a few pieces of sign language you can try on a your local deaf hooker (being that this site is PG-13 a hooker is someone who works at a carpet factory). You can see more of these at the site they came from http://viralvenom.com/articles/deafhooker.htm

Yeah, you can send all hate mail to Steimes@gmail.com. I certainty deserve it.

We are Safe

2005-01-29T20:55:00.000-05:00

There is no need to fear, Captain Fat Ass is here on his RollerBlades of Independance to make sure the terrorists won't blow up your local Piggly Wiggly. He'll use his fattening American candy bars to clog the attires of all who oppose freedom! Chase down any one who the Patriot act targets on his RollerBlades of Independence*!

*Yes indepenence and Patriot Act was used in the same sentence....

Girls Gone Wild!!! Disney Style

2005-01-28T21:57:00.000-05:00

[Editor's note: I decided to put a few of the pics on the blog, they have been edited to prevent a FCC crackdown]
While randomly searching the internet out of boredom, I found something quite disturbing. I grew up watching the classic Disney movies and was looking for some cute memorabilia, but instead I found something alarming! Disney Porn!

WARNING: these pictures are not for the faint of heart, or any Disney fan that never had the desire to see a Disney princess naked or performing sexual acts with let's say, tigers, mermaids, genies, each other, etc...

Adult Disney, as I like to call it, will take you to wonderland XXX, Ariel's wet undersea adventures, Belle's candle stick room service, rousing rabid canoe rides with Pocahontas, and Bukakee: Snow White and Sticky (this is what I believe is the true tale).

And you thought that penis on the cover of "The Little Mermaid" was bad!

The Muppet Show

2005-01-27T20:43:00.000-05:00

I am about to speak something so blasphemous, upsetting, earth shattering that the entire DbSO community may be destroyed by the statement. Tunak Tunak Tan* is not the greatest song of all time. Now wait, hear me out, well actually hear this song out.

Click here to watch Da-nana-na!

Now do you understand what I was saying before? How awesome was The Muppet Show? The greatest celebrities of the '70s along side Miss. Piggy (not our lovely and famed Mz P), Kermit and the original bad ass himself Animal. I mean where else could you watch Elton John let go of all of his inhibitions and just be free? Oh wait. Bad example. How about Alice Cooper talking to glorified sock puppets, while sober? And if after watching that video, and the song is not stuck in your head, try watching it with the sound on.

*Ok fair enough, they tie

I have no talent

2005-01-26T13:57:00.000-05:00

As many of you know Tim likes to mold starbursts into people and put them is sexual positions. He is a weird motherfucker if you ask me, but he gets more hits than I. So naturally, I am copying off of him but I am not as artistic (or is that audtistic?) as he. So I used gummy bears.

Then I got to thinking, it is most likely not my lack of candy porn on my blog that limits my readership, but the lack of content, wit, incite, proper grammar, and humor. Now I could take the writing class my school has been offering, but that would be work. So I decided to overcome my blogging disabilities by posting other people's hard work and giving them no credit what-so-ever. Remember those Cosmo sex tips? Well a loyal reader who wishes to remain nameless submitted this gem to us.

I present Cosmo's tips for women by men read it(click to enlarge)

For best results the word "hummer" should be replaced with "blow party." Kiddies, Steimes@gmail.com if you have any submissions, coments, first-borns to offer, or complains.

She must have been board

2005-01-25T09:54:00.000-05:00

By far the funniest thing I've seen since I got up an hour ago.

Also if you link to DbSO,and would like me to do the same add a coment here or shoot me an e-mail, I have been meaning to update my links but I am lazy. So remind me, or offer me a large sack of money (or click ads) to do so.

DbSO Lavatories Present

2005-01-19T17:04:00.000-05:00

Remember DbSO lavatories? You know the people who brought you the DbSO mobile and other fine inventions? Well on this fridgid winter day we decided to improve female swim fashions.

In conjuntion with Upchurch Inventions we have developed and tested the very first buttplug bikini bottoms available to U.S. customers. I know backless swim suits have long been a goal of many DbSO readers. In fact, Psychomoore has on many occasions expressed his desire to frolic on the beach with his backside exposed for all to see, but his privates hidden for what he calls, "a small problem."

How does this wonder inspiring product work you may ask? Is it magic? No, its not magic its just the simple use of a butt plug! Our friends at Upchurch say it best:

Instructions: Straighten curved stem somewhat for an approximate fit between Butt plug and front of belly. Roll small condom on to small rounded flat sided Butt plug. Lube with vaginal lube or soapy water. Insert Butt plug. Reshape stem so knob rests on belly, adjust flowers to suit...

Click image to enlarge

It's that simple! The only hard part is answering all the questions you are sure to receive:

Beach Bum Dave: Hey!? That is a very cool swim suit you have there Miss, is it glued on?
Satisfied DbSO customer: Thank you, you speddo is very nice too, I did not know they came is size elephant. Its not glued on silly! I have a pole up my ass!
Beach Bum Dave: These are my Tada-ta-das*!

So if you would like to order this fine product steer your internet browser over to this site and place an order.

*Tada-ta-das - you would only under stand this if you were unfortunate enough to see the movie Blue Crush, this was the only good moment of the film.

Dogs fight, moose and cat find true love

2005-01-18T21:14:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures I found on the internet, how cool am I? (Click to enlarge)

That is going to be one stretched out pussy when all is said and done

Insert obligatory "Awwwwww" here

No one calls Fi-Fi a bitch but the American Kennal Association!

I love posting jokes

2005-01-17T23:12:00.001-05:00

Ok i think you guys are gonna dig this one.

A man is laying on a couch in his psychiatrist's office and he tells the good doctor that he is troubled. "I keep having these strange dreams" the man says. "Last night I was a teepee, and the night before, I was a wigwam! What is going on here, doc!? Ya gotta help me!" The psychiatrist puts his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "Relax, you're two tents!"

I know, it was bad. Feel free to berate me with comments.

Steimes' sex tip

2005-01-16T20:43:00.000-05:00

All men old or young, fat or skinny, red state or blue state, straight or gay, short or tall crave, desire, strive for, deserve but one thing. That one thing that keeps every man going, striving for that extra mile, sitting through bullshit dates, laughing at terrible jokes, lying about how that dress looks, everything we as males do is for oral sex.

Regardless who you are trying to obtain the few minutes of nirvana from there always seems to be obstacles in the way. Regardless if its your girlfriend, boyfriend, alter boy (are alter boy jokes still funny?), the meter man you are petitioning for the purest of joys, you have to do it tackfuly and with great care, if not, there is the chance of spoiling the deal.

The Blow Party
Head, dome, oral, 6 I'll give you 9 laters, going down south, all of these names give the act a dirty, nasty, awful image. The worst offender is the standard title, blow job, you are asking your date to perform a job for you, a job that can get quite nasty, bad form if you ask old Steimes. Why not call it something fun, something spunky, something that they will actually want to do? Call it a blow party! Who doesn't love going to a party? Just think of all the variations you can work with the blow party... Hey babe, I feel like inviteing another friend to our blow party, isn't your twin sister in town? Give me a good blow party and you might get a good party favor! Hey lets have a surprise blow party for me! We can hold the blow party at the church rectory.... the list goes on, I know you can figure more out for yourself.
So remember kids, when asking that special someone for some good old fashioned nob polishing, ask the fun friendly way, its sure to make it a better experience for the two or three of you. *just like a real party if you throw a blow party and no one comes, everyone is disappointed and someone just ends up with a sore neck

Cosmo Sex Tips - From a girl!!!!

2005-01-14T23:15:00.000-05:00

[Editor's Note: We have a new contributor, her name is Sarah. Enjoy] Great magazine, good clothes, pretty people, good advice. Every issue of Cosmo just seems to have it, the ultimate position, best oral method, world's sexiest kiss, etc… Did anyone every really try any of these things? Personally, I don't think any man would allow it. Why? Well here's a prime example. In one particular issue, the 5 hottest foreplay techniques were revealed. One stood out quite vividly. (Now, knowing Tiny I probably shouldn't reveal this trick, but it may do wonders in sales for Renold and KY Companies)

The Technique:
1. Get your man all hot and ready
2. Grab the saran wrap you hid under the bed previous to the encounter and some lube or lotion
3. Grease the twin boys up good and slippery, then wrap them in saran wrap (now don't make mash potatoes, this is supposed to feel awesomely wonderful)
4. Add your warm mouth and tongue and go to town! Hum, blow, nibble!
This is supposed to create wonderful sensations and take your man to Valhalla and back

Well there you have it, the key to ultimate foreplay utopia and so forth.
However, I think I can think of a better technique, one that is both pleasurable and filling. I'll call it the PB&J squish squash!

Pre-Lovin' preparation
-hide a jar of peanut butter, jar of jelly, a pita, and 2 spoons near the place of naughtiness

Blow his Mind!
-grab that hot rod and put a thick coat of peanut butter from base to tip.
-with a spoon, scoop out a large glob of your choice of flavor jelly and smear it on the twins nice and thick
-then squish all that lovely glop together and wrap that pita around tightly
-now suck out all that tasty goo from the open end of the pita (if you do a really good job, your super pita will compliment you by spitting in your face)

Now, that OWNS the saran wrap trick! Just try it and let me know what you think!
(And by the way Steimes, you are REQUIRED to have a partner for this to work properly!)

I hate misleading URLs

2005-01-13T13:57:00.000-05:00

Nothing gets me more upset than when trying to find a good website for something I am interested in and it turns out to be some thing completely deferent.

With the advent of google this of course has become a smaller problem. Even with google I still become duped. For example I was looking for some research material for a "personal project" that I was working on, so I go to Penis Land.net to check it out. To my surprize the site fooled me into going there to sell me products apparently PenIsland.net uses a very sneaky bait and switch tatic, they lure you in with the opportunity to go to the magic phallic land of splendor, and instead stick you with writing utensils. Those bastards.

Sergio returns!

2005-01-10T22:11:00.001-05:00

[Editor's note: It apprears Sergio went missing for a while there, fear not though for he has returned! Where did sergio go you ask? well why don't we take a look into his diary]

Dear Adventure Log,

Over the course of this thing college students call 'winter break', I've found the need to keep myself busy. Steimes is more than often too busy for me these days…..not really doing anything, but busy none the less. So I've decided to start this adventure log, to document my nearly month long adventure.

Day 1: Damn, this jar is hard to move by myself. Took me approximately 7 hours to scoot to the edge of the desk. Holy shit that's a long way down. I'm starting to reconsider this. There's got to be an easier way. I'll report back when I've gotten off of this god forsaken desk.

Day 13: Finally, I am victorious in phase 1 of my quest. Steimes conveniently left out some books and stuff so that I could first go to the chair, then wrap myself in the whitey tightys that were hanging on the arm rest to cushion the impact when I hit the floor. Unfortunately, I am now writing this from the smelly hell that is Steimer's underwear. I can't seem to get myself unwrapped.

Hours later, Steimes comes back and shuts off the lights as he gets ready to go to bed. I somehow get shifted around in the blackness of night and I think I'm free. Thus begins the next part of my adventure.

Day 14: I start maneuvering my jar up the steepness of a hill. The sun still hasn’t come up after many hours, and I grow tired and afraid. I'm not sure what could be lurking around the next corner. I check the tightness of my lid for security purposes and venture on.

Day 15: Still no sign of the sun. I've come to an area of seemingly heavy bush and shrubbery that is hard to walk through. I shall name this the Dark Forest of Hell. I don't think I'll have much time for writing during my trek. I just hope I find the other side. If there is another side. I fear for my safety. Hope to write again soon.

Day 27: Phew. I have finally made it to the other side of the Dark Forest of Hell. I'm not sure what I encountered in there, but it was scary, let me tell you. At one point, many small creatures had surrounded me and had tiny claws that they used to tap on my jar. That pissed me off, and I decided to defend myself by tipping over my jar and rolling over every last motherfucker. But now I am safe. I need to rest now. Water is scarce. I must get back home soon.

Day 28: After resting for a day or so, I ventured down a hill and by the end of the day, I began to see light. Finally! When I got to the light, I saw the room that I lived in, and I rejoiced. To finally be in the comfort of my own room was truly a great feeling. I made my way back up to my desk, and turned to look back at the adventure I had just taken. But why was Steimes still in the bed over there? Had I….No….it couldn't be true. Had I been trapped in his pants the whole time??? Oh nooo, not again!

That sense of déjà vu that I had several days ago was real!

I hate posting jokes

2005-01-05T23:53:00.000-05:00

I really don't like posting jokes that are not my own, but this one always made me laugh and someone told it to me today, wrong, and that made it all the funner to me. Here you go, I bet you heard it before.

A blonde decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before -- rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

The blonde says, "I just rented an adult movie from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static."

The store clerk replies, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

The blonde says, "It's called Head Cleaner."

Free Time

2005-01-03T17:20:00.000-05:00

It's January, the "sparkle season" is over (for those outside of the great state of Pittsburgh, holiday season) and that new double sided dildo you dad got you for giftmas has already got boring and you have nothing to do. Other than read the October archives on DbSO and check out the shiny blogs to the right of this post you got jack shit to do. All this free time leads up to February, the worst excuse for a month ever made, it is so pathetic they only gave it 28 days, every once in a great while they feel bad for it and give it 29 out of pity.

Basically January blows, you're bored, February is around the corner and in the Northern hemisphere its cold as monkey balls (I am not even sure those are cold, but Tim told me they were cold). So you need to stop the depression that is sure to grow from these circumstances by occupying that free time the best you can. "But Steimes there is nothing to do" you say to me, and to that I say "Wrong, put some pants on, just because this is the internet doesn’t mean there isn't a dress code." The reason so many of you are bored is lack of imagination and like me, social lives. Look around the house, just think of the possibilities! See that sweeper in the closet? See the dog in the living room? Ever wonder what would win in a fight? Find out! (be sure to plug in the sweeper and goose the dog with hot sauce on your finger for a more interesting contest) There is plenty of fun and exiting things you can do around the house. Mix household cleaning products in the garage (keep doors and windows shut, or you will let the heat out) to see what color they make. To cold for outdoor activites? Bring them inside, its a whole new twist on old favorites. Lawn darts, baseball, lawn mowing and skeet shooting all take on fun new qualities when preformed in the living room, F-U-N!

So what are you waiting for? Make your own fun damnit, if you wish, share your January fun stories in the comments section (no registration required).

The Following is an Unpaid Announcement

2004-12-30T18:42:00.000-05:00

As so many people have pointed out to me, we have not posted in quite some time. I am honored that so many people took note of our absence by nagging me to post (no, really I am, that's cool people like us).

If you need to pee, I suggest you do it now, this may be a long post. You done yet? No? WTF? Did you fall in? Or were you to busy playing pocket poo in there?

Now that you are well rested and paying attention, the reasons why we did not post lately. Despite the rumor, the DbSO crew does not live together in a small cave west of the Rock Candy Mountains, with small animal companions that sing us songs that contain valuable life lessons about self esteem and how drugs are in fact, bad. Turns out that the DbSO crew is an incredibly diverse group of loose-knit freelance crimefighters, scientists, masturbators, and videogame addicts. We live in different part of the world and only pretend to be college students. Many ask why we pick such pathetic online avatars when we live such interesting lives or adventure, fame and in many cases danger. It boils down to this, you normal people often dream about being someone famous correct? Well us exceptional people like to pretend to be average, low brow ugly people, i.e. our readership. Anyways what we have been up too...

Tiny: As many of you have already figured out tiny makes a substantial living as a professional masturbator. He spends most of his day looking at pornography, sears catalogs, Christian television programming, and apparently just about everything and masturbates into a large cup(think Big Gulp at 7-11). Tiny sells his product on the internet, and makes a very nice living this way. As you can imagine, the giftmas season has taken its toll on the poor boy and he has been working around the clock filling his orders, and in turn, his cup. Now that the holiday rush is over, he is taking a well deserved break, hopefully he will return shortly to work, because I need to put in an order.

Bellas: Plays a lot of videogames. That's about it for him, although I'm not certain I think he may also be a scientist. But I am pretty sure he just plays a lot of videogames.

Sonofatruckload: Saut (as we lovingly call him), is a crimefighter. He has super powers, and as far as I know owns at least three utility belts that he may or may not ware at the same time. He has a side kick, but his side kicks always seem to die. Its kinda sad really, but he is on his 5th one yet. Sonofatruckload's super powers involve being able to procrastinate to extreme levels and being able to transverse both time and space in his '85 Buick LeSaber.

Steimes: I'm just a lazy fuck, and you guys should beat me for not posting. Also see those google sponsored links? They are you friend they want you to click them. Try it, I hear it gets you high, and I know how you like to get high.

So there you have it. I promise to be a better DbSOer and post more. And unlike this post it may be worth reading...because I know the above was lame.

Am I a freak?!

2004-12-13T15:47:00.000-05:00

Apparently some people have a problem adapting to themselves. If you are a teenager and feeling uncomfortable about your changing body watch this short little video. I am sure you will feel better. Contains cartoon nudity, and both videos have a lot of falling down, so if falling down naked people bother you, steer clear!

Click here if you have boobies.
Click here if you have a pee-pee

Giftmas gift ideas

2004-12-11T18:58:00.000-05:00

If you can't tell, it is that time of year again, Giftmas. Regardless of your faith you are probably going to give or receive a gift this month, and the quality of that gift as you well know means quite a bit. How many times have you received a gift that missed the mark so completely that you wondered if Aunt Melinda really knows that you have no real need for a tampon carrying case, you don't even get periods, and you are have a penis. I've always been told never to be disappointed in a gift, because it was the thought that counts. That's all well and good, but when it is evident that the gift you received received no thought what so ever it can be quite disappointing. That's why I, Steimes, am going to help you out with some great present ideas.

If you are like me, you have all kinds of people on your shopping list this year, most of which are very hard to buy for. Here's some ideas for the hardest to buy for.

1. Young boys (FYI, never type young boy into a non-safe image search on google) are hard to buy for. They are not quite ready for the gift certificate to the local record store yet, and just past the age of action figures. These little fuckers are picky, obnoxious, and if they are anything like the model posted above, addicted to hard core pornography. The best bet for these little tots age 8-13 is a good lesbian porno DVD. Often we take for granted our free rain on the internet but chances are little Jimmy is stuck on a child account on AOL. Poor little guy has had to get by on cleavage and the scambled porn on HBO while his parents are sleeping.
Horny Henry's Mother Daughter series is sure to leave little Jimmy with a smile

2. Girlfriends are not as hard as young boys to get a gift for (and a lot more enjoyable to search for on a non-safe image search on google). Although easier than boys to buy for, a girlfriend can be a difficult buy. What it boils down to is this, girls love to cook and clean. They especially love to clean up your messes. Now you could go out and buy a vacuum cleaner or a new blender, but those cost money, money you could be spending on your addiction to hard core lesbian porno. But rags are free, free and used in a cleaning and cooking, thus the perfect gift for your girlfriend. If you girlfriend is creative she and you are generous enough to give her several rags, she may be able to fashion them into a dress or something. Here is a picture of my girlfriend modeling her "new" rag dress, damn is she hott (hot with two t's... Remind me to add that to the internet slang directory).

3. Being that Steimes, me, is all knowing leave a comment if you have anyone on your list that is not easy to buy for, I'll make a post in a few days to help you solve your problems.

Jingle Sergio's Roasting on an Open Fire

2004-12-09T01:18:00.000-05:00

As the holiday season is approaching, I thought I'd start the celebration off by letting all of you know just what it is that I want for Christmas. Some of them might be hard for you to buy me, but here's hoping that the big guy (Santa, or someone like that) could help me out.

All I want for X-Mas Is:

-a scarf (it gets friggin' cold when you don't even have your fur yet)
-on the subject of keeping me warm, maybe some of those little booties for my paws ...although i'm not sure if that would be cute to the ladies, or they'd think i was a pussy. oh..wait....
-a Dell Pocket DJ ....so i can be groovin to my jams non-stop, yo. [Editor's Note: and a 40 gig one for me]
-A bigger Gerber Jar
-Garfield The Movie. Fuck, no. that would be gay. gay like the Tabby Cat. just get me a cool movie of your choosing.
-Genitals. Either kind, I'm not picky. I'm just tired of not having anything.

Thanks to all of you caring and giving individuals who plan on contributing to make my xmas merry. I have a feeling I'm gonna wake up on xmas morning and be a very happy fetus.

Love,
Sergio

Hoof Arted

2004-12-07T19:25:00.000-05:00

Where tiny will go to school if he dosn't slow down

Becuase everyone likes a good fart joke.

Click here to watch Fart Blaster!

Short post, been busy.

Santa is Everywhere!

2004-12-03T13:02:00.000-05:00

Yep, it's getting closer and closer to that lovely time of year. Children making sure they are extra nice,

and parents making sure they get the presents that their kids so lustfully desire.

All in the name of one man. His magic knows no bounds, and his capacity for love is endless. Although he may make his discontent for sinners evident, he always is able to give forgiveness to those who seek it. You know who im talkin' bout,...'Chee-sus'?... who the fuck is that? No, I'm talkin' 'bout SANTA CLAUS of course! And I actually talked to him today! I was so excited I couldn't wait to post about it and share my joy with all of our loyal DbSO readers. Apparently, Santa has upgraded his operations over the years to a point where he is now able to chat with all the children across the world, INSTANTLY! (provided of course that you have a computer equipped with the internet) I spoke with him earlier using
AOL (R) instant Messenger (TM) and here is what he had to say:

rampmasta21 (10:15:13 AM): Hi Santa!
SantaClaus (10:15:27 AM): Hello my child, I'm glad you've come back. Have you had a chance to spread the holiday spirit to someone in need today?
rampmasta21 (10:15:33 AM): of course! but i was wondering...
SantaClaus (10:15:40 AM): Yes, what is it?
rampmasta21 (10:16:02 AM): well, im concerned about my friend Tiny, he has done some 'questionable' things this year and i was wondering if he is on your naughty list or your nice list.
SantaClaus (10:16:15 AM): Ahh yes, Tiny. HO HO HO! That child spends a little too much time playing with his tinkertoy, if you catch Santa's drift!
rampmasta21 (10:16:26 AM): yea i hear ya. But i assure you his intentions were pure. He spread so much joy through the blog site , using his special 'talents' that it's almost blasphemy to put him on your bad list!
SantaClaus (10:16:35 AM): OOOO HOO HOO HOO Tiny is most certainly on my good list...in fact he's one of my favorite little boys. I may invite him to come see the south pole.
rampmasta21 (10:16:55 AM): Um, Santa, dont you mean north pole?
SantaClaus (10:17:00 AM): NOT UNLESS IM UPSIDE-DOWN!! HIIOOOOO HO HO HO!
rampmasta21 (10:17:03 AM): Ooooh santa! You're so silly!
SantaClaus (10:17:19 AM): aww pishaw. Well, Santa has some elves to whip, so you be a good boy, Zack, and I'll be sure to leave you many gifts under your tree!
rampmasta21 (10:17:33 AM): ok santa, take care
SantaClaus (10:17:35 AM): lata
rampmasta21 (10:18:07 AM): oh santa i almost forgot i want a digital camera for christmas!
__________________________________________________
Auto response from SantaClaus (10:18:08 AM): damn it feels good to be a gangsta. Hit up da celly...
__________________________________________________

Well, there you have it readers, my conversation with Santa. I think im gonna go spread some Christmas cheer now, but if you want to holla at santa too, there's his sn (seriously put SantaClaus on your buddy list and you can talk to him.) Happy Gift hunting,readers, and I also would like to wish our Jewish and African Harvest Festival Observers a happy Hunukkah and Kwanzaa respectively.

McSergio

2004-12-01T20:13:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posting last week. I'm a bad blogging cat fetus. But I was kinda distressed. Steimes called me lazy. We got into this big fight and he was all pissed that he's the one bringing home the "bacon." I told him to watch his mouth. I was good friends with a fetal pig from the anatomy class that I was rescued from. He apologized, but the fight continued. Then he just came out and said it: "You need to get a fucking job, Sergio." I tried to tell him that I'm not good at much. He wouldn't even listen to my reasoning. He just didn't like coming home and dishing out the money to someone who just sits in a jar on his desk. He dropped my ass off somewhere near the mall and said not to come home til I got a job. So I went from place to place looking for who was hiring. It seems as tho McDonald's will hire anybody these days, so I gave them a shot. They had a now hiring sign, so I went in, filled out an application, and had an interview. Luckily, I got the job. Now Steimes would finally love me again. I was so happy. So the next day, I started work. It was so hectic. I tried to keep up with the pace of the other workers, but I wasn't used to all of this hard work. At some point, when I was trying to get some fries ready, a co-worker knocked me into the fryer. Man, was I pissed at him. I just gave him a mean stare from inside my Gerber jar while nearly surviving life-threatening burns thanks to the people at Gerber. I got shifted around carelessly, and the top of my jar was unscrewed. I tried crawling to safety, only to be swept up in a mass of confusion. I somehow ended up in a box of chicken mcnuggets. My little fetal arms were not strong enough to get the cardboard box open and free myself. When the lid was finally open, I saw the face of a sweet old grandmother who I deemed my savior. Her wrinkly fingers reached into the box, but picked up the nugget next to me. She really seemed to enjoy that nugget, but I wanted outta there. Finally she was reaching for me to free me from this hell. She then dunked me in this tub of what tasted like sweet and sour sauce. How unnecessary that is, I thought to myself. This was some whacked out granny. I could imagine her getting some kind of sick pleasure from dipping her grandkids in sauce. But then I finally realized what was going on. I was getting closer to her old, smelly, sloppy, denture-wearing mouth. What the fuck?!?! I yelled out as loud as I could: "STOP! YOU FUCKIN CRAZY OLD BITCH!" But what came out was more like: "meeeooOOWww." She opened her eyes from the bliss known as eating at McDonalds and stared at me. The next thing I knew, she was on the ground, I was crawling towards the door, and the paramedics were on their way. Poor old lady died of shock from finding a cat fetus in her nuggets. Needless to say, I lost my job. I used the couple of bucks I made from that day for a new Gerber jar. Maybe I could just be one of those internet models that bring in the big bucks. Then I won't have to live in fear of being kicked out onto the streets again. I'd rather have Steimes whore me out to sickos on the internet than be forced to live by myself on the streets.

Drug of Choice

2004-12-01T13:00:00.000-05:00

Yes, I have been gone a while and have not had the time to post anything. Why you ask? Well I could tell you that I have been busy with schoolwork or that I was sick or being held captive by a band of roaming ninjas (2 out of 3 of those answers are true, I'll let you guess which) , however the truth of the matter is that I was using, and yes abusing, drugs. My drug of choice? Videogames. I can't stop playin' em. Anything from City of Heroes and Day of Defeat for the PC, to Paper Mario and the Thousand Year Door for Game Cube, to Crono Trigger for SNES, (also remade for Playstation) to Final Fantasy 1 for NES (another great remake for PS1)will have me glued to the screen. Anyways, to get to the point of my post. If anyone else out there has played games such as those previously mentioned and also has an addiction as severe as mine please post a comment and let me know which is your favorite.

Also I'd like to give, for lack of a better phrase, MAD PROPS to OCRemix for having literally thousands of remixed videogame songs on their site, all of which are high quality. I recommend that u guys check em out.

Internet Slang

2004-11-30T20:49:00.000-05:00

I often take for granted my knowledge of internet slang, and use it here expecting you the reader to know what it means. I am going to teach you loyal DbSOer's internet slang, so you will be better more rounded people, and it will statisfy my comunity service (she was dead when I got there, and I would hardly call that abusing a corpse she was begging for someone to put a pirate hat on her, grandma loved pirates...but I digress) Because a lot of you guys are lazy asshats and only look at the pictures, I will be teaching you internet slang by pictures.

Disco Joe owned grandma when he found out she smoked the last of his pot, so what if it was for her glaucoma Joe needs his feel good smoke.
Jamie owned Victoria because she was tired of her sister eating mummies boobie juice.
Owned (own'D) [verb]: This little gem often rears its useful little head in the comments section. Often a post will jeer another poster of the site, when doing so the afore mentioned poster is owning the other poster. There are many different ways one could own another; "Sally surely owned Timmy when she kicked him in the nads," "Steimes owned Tiny by posting pictures of his mother as a cam whore," "Tiny owned Steimes when he posted pictures of his dog in clothing, and later Tiny owned himself by masturbating to them." Now you go think of other uses for the word owned, go ahead and try its fun!

WTF?

WTF is that? I want one as a pet.
WTF (dubleya-tee-pff or What the Fuck) [exclamation]: WTF is the shortened form of "what the fuck." Like its root word (I'm making up my own terms leave me alone), fuck, WTF has many uses and varied uses. Mostly WTF is used when something is general confusing or disturbing, much like the photo examples above.

He called him a pansy
Quick lesson: noob = newbie.
STFU (shut the fuck up) [command]: STFU is a much shorter way of saying, you are an idiot stop talking you were a waste of a broken condom and you smell like wet dog food, or shut the fuck up. This is often used when someone is talking out of their ass or pissing you off.

Thats a short list to start you guys off, if you have any additions or question feel free to ask in the coments or shoot me over an e-mail Steimes@gmail.com.

Martha's Post

2004-11-28T13:42:00.000-05:00

This was a submission from my good friend Martha, who is currently on vacation. I am touched that she would take time out of her busy day or lifting weights and making Linda get her some smokes, I am so exited to see her for her congical visit next week!

Martha Stewart's Christmas Slippers....

My Christmas budget is tight this year. So, I have learned to make bedroom slippers out of feminine pads.

Two of the pads are placed down flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot piece. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, snowmen, etc.

These slippers are soft and hygienic, with non-slip grip strips on the soles. The built-in deodorant feature keeps feet "smelling fresh" and there is no more bending over to mop up spills either! They are disposable, biodegradable and environmentally safe. They come in three convenient sizes: regular, light day, and get-out-the-sand-bags extra thick. Let me know your size!

Happiest of holidays,

Martha Stewart

How to write for DbSO

2004-11-26T23:43:00.000-05:00

We eat babies.

As a preview to the up-and-coming mailbag I am answering the most asked question I get.

Q: Hey Steimes can I post on your blog?

A: Short answer, yes you may. Long answer, well if everyone posted here it would probably get really lame. More lame than it already is? Yes, very very very lame. With the 5 of us posting now, we get a nice mix of humor, Sonofatruckload's stories, Bellas' commentary (where the hell have you been?), Sergio's fetal perspective, my suck ass shit, and Tiny's penis. But with 15 people posting we will get confusion, reposts and all that other fun stuff having to many people in one place can get you. But I did say it is possible you could post here, and that is the truth. If you are a loyal reader, make comments, link to us and or any of that other fun shit, you can have a guest position on DbSO.

What if you don't do that shit, can you still get on DbSO? Yes, e-mail me some of your stuff to Steimes@gmail.com and I will give it a look see. If I like it, think I can work with it or if its shiny I will probably post it and give you credit.

So if you want to get another question in for the mailbag (be humorous or serious, see if I care) or you want to post, shoot me an e-mail or hit me up on AOLim, and we will try to work it out sucka.

Enjoy your day

2004-11-25T13:05:00.000-05:00

Happy Turkey day, try not to choke, that is all.

We didn't sellout... Completely

2004-11-24T21:43:00.000-05:00

This is a long post, maybe to long for your attention span, to sum it up, you click on the ads, I will give you free shit, read on for details.

Sorry for the lack of updates this week kids, its been busy for the DbSO crew. Before you say, oh too busy to post, but not busy enough to stick ads on the site, let me let you in on a secret; For those who do not know Blogger (the guys who host us) sucks royal ass 8 times out of ten (four out of five if you are a high school algerbra teacher, those guys hate unsimplified fractions, but I digress). Basically every time I wanted to post this week blogger gave me the finger.

whatever

The ads, google makes it really easy to stick ads on your site, just paste the code on your site, fill in your tax information and bingo you are making money for them... and maybe you. So this is how it will go, Google only pays me if I make 100 bucks in revenue, and that will take some time, but not as long if you loyal readers click the ads. What's in it for you? Well I'll tell you, when I reach one hundred bucks in my google account I will cash out and use most of the money buying you presents! I will make DbSO T shirts, stickers, homemade stuff, DbSO lavatories products, things tiny has masturbated too or whatever I can think of and send them to your homes for you burning pleasure.

Who gets the DbSO shwag you ask? Well that is simple, those people who show interest in the site, the people who link to us, comment on our piece of shit posting help me with my piss poor HTML skills or who gives tiny the best porn ect.

I do not have the exact details on this little plan or how many gifts we can get out to you guys, but I can promise you one thing, if you click the ads the free shit will come.

Our ads are better than this one at least.
I would have said this fat Fuck didn't break the bed, it must be good, buy one

Time Travel

2004-11-20T17:42:00.000-05:00

And you thought Michael J. Fox was a cute time traveler
Well the DbSO lavatories have done it again, we have created another fine product for your enjoyment. So if your DbSO-mobile didn't burst in flames, my dearest apologies to the Reily family, and you still have faith in our crack team of scientists you might want to pay attention to this. At exactly 12:45pm on November 20th 2004 we perfected time travel. We actually just built the prototype, but we used it to travel in the future and ask ourselves 10 years from now for the perfected plans so that kinda speed the process up. It was suprisingly simple, and we were surprised we didn't think of it before (we are considering going back in time and telling ourselves about it in 1994, but nothing is in stone just yet). We are releasing this product to the public in a few months, but you loyal DbSO fans have first crack at it. But I am sure all of you are cheap bastards and want to know how to make your own, so here are our plans.

Step 1: Take some sap from this rare foak tree (screwacuutis dogastylious) and put it in a cup. Collection methods vary from the season but one of our senior researchers Tiny insists the only way to properly remove this product is oraly. This sap acts as the fuel for the machine.

Step 2: Somehow imbue life into a piece of French Toast, name him Benjamin, train him as a chef (irony anyone?), and ask him how to build a time machine.

Step 3: Follow Benjamin's plans, eat him immediately afterwards.

Step 4: Travel time.

And that's hoe easy it is. If you have any questions on the process ask me yesterday.

Sergio is part of a balanced breakfast

2004-11-17T19:34:00.000-05:00

Here I am again. Nothing exciting going on with me... just been swimming laps around my jar, trying new styles for my nub, etc. I have a lot of time to think, as a cat fetus that sits in a jar all day, so I've been coming up with some cool ideas. Well, the first couple don't really affect you. I'm thinking about putting a mini bar in here to help waste the days away, and maybe some curtains so I don't always have to see Steime's naked ass when he gets out of the shower. But here's an idea I came up with that I think everyone could enjoy... Sergi-O's. A new cereal, featuring yours truly. Think about it... you wake up in the morning, you can barely open your eyes, you got morning wood, you slide out of the bed because you got somewhere to be, but you need some energy... something tasty... something to brighten your day. You reach in the cupboard and pull out a magical red box. You open it, and pour out delicious cereal that looks like cheerios at first, but upon further inspection, you notice that they are shaped more like a vagina. Scattered throughout the bowl are miniature marshmallows shaped like cat fetuses, multicolored and flavored for your enjoyment. Got kids that like to play with their food? Give them Sergi-O's so they can slide the cat fetus marshmallow through the gaping cheerio-vagina and act out my birth! It truly is fun for the whole family.

Wanking Boldly to What No Man Has Wanked Before

2004-11-16T11:39:00.000-05:00

There's a new contest in town, folks. And before you ask -- yes, it does involve Tiny and masturbation. This contest, however, is slightly different from the last, which involved abstaining from boppin' the bishop. This time around, Tiny will be doing all the furious fapping that his heart desires. Allow me to explain:

-Send us a picture of something you would like Tiny to masturbate to.
-Tiny will attempt to masturbate to your submitted picture.
-Whoever submits the first picture that Tiny cannot bring himself to orgasm with wins a prize (which is to be determined).
-only one pic per user.

Caveat: No submitting pictures of Tiny's mom or other relatives. Everything else is fair game.

All submissions to be mailed to jwd170 AT psu DOT edu

[Editor's Note: I changed john's e-mail a bit so a spam collection robot can't read it]

Rock, Paper, WMD!!!

2004-11-11T23:47:00.000-05:00

I've got an idea let's play rock paper scissors!
I really wish I was half as funny as the guy who made this. I'd suggest just reading it off of the page, the flash version is not that great. Truly top-notch shit right there, I can't make fun of it, just read it.

Sergio the Super Fetus

2004-11-10T13:48:00.000-05:00

i'm thinking about fighting crime. you know, keep it exciting. you see, this is kind of like when blacks first started playing baseball or tiny first got laid. i am a ground breaking bad ass. i'm the first, and currently only (hopefully people dont try to steal my thunder and soon there will be a million blogging cat fetuses on the net) so i figure, why not be the first super cat fetus. sure i don't have any super strength or anything that could protect me from the villians. one squeeze and my whole body would pop. but my umbilical nub is kinda fierce looking. and if steimer threw my jar as hard as he could into the face of an evil-doer, i'm pretty sure they'd get hurt kinda bad. atleast have to get a couple stitches. yeah, i'd be a badass superhero.

oh, and steimer...could you do me a favor and turn off the lights more
often when you walk out of the room? for cryin out loud, my eyelids haven't really formed yet.

Tunak!

2004-11-09T16:21:00.000-05:00

Daler Mehndi wants to make you happyBe Happy.
or he may eat your children
Some of you may be asking who is that nice man tossing up gang signs? To those people I say that man is Daler Mehndi, the greatest man to ever live, ever. Yes even Ben is under Daler on my list of guys I wish I was. I can't tell you why but I can show you.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH DALER'S SMASH MUSIC VIDEO TUNAK TUNAK TAN!

Sorry for the real media guys, its the only one I could find and I don't feel like converting it...

Some guys have all the luck

2004-11-08T19:56:00.000-05:00

If you wondered what pure joy on a young boys face looks like, well here you go.

Click to enlarge...you sick bastards

And no, that is not me. I also have no idea what that divit is in his stomach, to make the picture even cooler I am going out on a limb and say its from an old knife fight wound.

Everything2

2004-11-07T16:02:00.000-05:00

Everything2 has just about everything you will ever need explained. A lot of it is utter crap, but most of it is true. Go there to learn.

Also this is the worst post ever to compensate here is a rodent with a pancake on his head.

Sergio The man the myth the cat fetus

2004-11-03T21:10:00.000-05:00

[Editor's note: Sergio will be posting weekly, unless I knock over his jar..then he will be posted to my bulletin borad when he dries out... but I digress. Sergio is his own private "person" his veiws are not neccasarly shared by me or DbSO, with that said, enjoy] the tabby cat is a bitch. you lazy diabetic cat. i tried reading ur blog to see what ur up to, but you bore me and i wanna stab my eyes out with a fork....but the fork wont fit in my jar, and my little arms can't reach my face yet. but rest assured, i hate you. i'm still waiting to hear a good sex story about when ur sick, cat obsessed parents let yousit on the bed while they hump like crazy. why can't you post somethin like that?

here's an example:

"Mom wouldn't pet me tonight. She was wearing something that must've been expensive. It looked very thin and see-through to me though. I guess she thought my claws would rip it. Well was lounging around on their bed when Daddy came in. I was so happy that they were both there to pay attention to me.So we were all laying there watching some movie. I wanted to watch Garfield again but it was some stupid movie that Daddy picked. I think it was boring, it was just two people rolling around on their bed. They must've been trying to stay warm since they seemed to have forgotten their clothes. I didn't mind the movie all that much thought cuz I was relaxed. But then the bed started bouncing. I thought this was my special time, but mommy and daddy weren't even paying attention to me. That got me ticked. So first I got down and ripped up that sheer outfit mommy threw on the floor. Then, before I left the room in anger, i peed on the bed, clawed daddy's backside really hard, and then ran out of the room. Next time, they better pay more attention to me." try throwing some of that in there. we'll like you more. well, maybe not, but atleast we'll read your blog.

oh, and steimer...stop tapping on my jar. it pisses me off. i know u wanna pet me cuz i'm your pet but i'm in a jar, its annoying. so knock it off. [Ed n: Once again Sergio is not me, sergio also plays tamberine in a band on the weekends, check them out.]

Dress up your dog, get a nice rubber stamp

2004-11-02T20:50:00.000-05:00

Some sick twisted individuals out there like to dress up there dogs as people. To these people I present this website to allow those people see what there dogs are thinking. The sad thing is, these people where most likely sober when they purchased these costumes, dressed their dogs, took the picture, and made love to them.

Happy Halloween

2004-10-31T13:55:00.000-05:00

It's Halloween today. Or if you are reading this on a day other than today, it was Halloween a while ago. Halloween is an interesting holiday. You go around to your neighbors and they give you candy, for no real reason at all except its just what you do on Halloween. Being what the United States government would call an adult, I am not allowed to partake in the festivities the younger children are. Like most of you, I like something for nothing, and like it even more if the something is expensive. I'm inventing a new holiday called Chrisoween, combining giftmas with Halloween. I'm reversing the roles of Halloween though, the children must buy adults presents, and hand them out to adults traveling from house to house. Although I am very partial to candy, I can go out whenever I want a buy a huge sack of candy whenever I want. But being a starving college student I can't easily go out and purchase that Dell Dj I've been wanting, or some new blue jeans. So the little jimmy's of the world can afford us all presents we should send the to work for the sole purpose of buying everyone good gifts for Chrisoween.

The smart kids can program websites, or do data entry. You may think it is cruel to have a little kid working all day just to buy adults gifts, but if you think about it that's all we do, is work for kids....and well ourselves...but I really want a Dell DJ. Plus he is learning life skills.

The dumber kids can work the fields, what fields you ask? I'm not sure but I bet we can get some sort of camp started and send them all there to work and when they return on Chrisoween to hand out their gifts they'll be better harder working people. And as you can tell by our model, very very happy.

So for those underage readers, happy Halloween, you little bastards. For the rest of us, let's get Chrisoween in gear as soon as possible.

Blogging Pet

2004-10-30T01:33:00.000-04:00

We strive not to be a typical blog here at Distracted by Shiny Objects, we really do. Inevitably from time to time we exhibit blog like behavior. With every keystroke I waste talking about myself and this site I am "blogging." But if you can't beat them join them right? I was recently pointed to the most fascinating blog, Rants from a tabby cat. As hard as it is to believe, this cat blogs about her middle aged owner and how her life revolves around her. Amazing right? A blogging cat, why isn't this cat working for NASA? Well I noticed that a cat with this kind of potential can very well suck all hope DbSO has of reaching the masses. And we cannot let that happen.

Let me introduce to you my blogging pet. A good friend of mine pulled my little buddy out of a cat in anatomy class in his senior year of high school. Dan, who has a band you guys should check out, decided that this little gem should be mine to keep and love, he's a nice guy. And ever since he has been my little buddy, he has always been there for me. He is Sergio the blogging cat fetus and here is his chance to share with the world his blogging skills, suck it you stuck up tabby cat Sergio owns you. You should note that since he is a cat fetus, spelling and grammar aren't his strong points.

Alright, well...just to get the introductions out of the way, i'm Sergio....the blogging cat fetus. Thats right, cringe in confusion. I wasn't lucky enough to slip out of a gaping vagina and slide across the hospital floor, covered in placenta and whatnot, only to be pulled back in a bungy jump-like fashion by my umbilical cord. I'm a fetus that was never given the opportunity to be born, yet luckily i was taken in and am now kept safe in a Gerber jar. but why be a blogging cat fetus? i could just be a normal cat fetus that floats around in my formaldehyde all day. Well, I figured that through this site, I could be to cats and/or circus monkeys what Tiny is to people that can't stop obsessing over the fact that you can play with yourself and never have to leave the house or try to get a girl ever again. Okay, he's not really helping anyone, but I wasn't planning on helping anyone either. I just figured, hey....why not. I mean, on this site, you got peeing cones for chicks, dogs with clown wigs and butt plugs (I feel for you, man), and mockery of blind people. Where did you think they'd go next? Well obviously, they're going to hell, but that's beside the points. Sure, there's a million fucked up things they could've come up with, but I bet a blogging cat fetus wasn't on your mind. I'll be posting on here from time to time, telling you how things are, and I should know being that I spend my life in a jar on Steimes' desk. So here I am, and if you don't like it, you can suck on my umbilical nub.

Mail Bag

2004-10-26T18:35:00.000-04:00

In an effort to be less original and like every other website on Earth I am taking reader mail and will post up a few choice e-mails to answer the public's questions about DbSO, who we are, love, and shit in general. The DbSO crew are all Nobel laureates, and have many doctorates from many different disciplines, including medicine, engineering and bondage (get it, discipline? damn am I lame). So e-mail all questions to Steimes@gmail.com because I know a large percentage of people here only look at the pictures here is a road sign that misses the point.

Ashlip Simpsync

2004-10-26T13:19:00.000-04:00

By now I'm sure most of you have heard about the SNL catastrophe that occurred this weekend. However, if you haven't, then don't go any further before watching this. How could this happen? Ashlee Simpson is such a talented singer that she would never need to lip-sync, right? Well, unfortunately, I’ve had the displeasure of watching a clip from her MTV reality series which aired during the summer. This clip shows the sassy siren in the process of recording one of her songs, in which she yelps, "never beee yoouuuuu" numerous times and each more off key than the last. I don’t have the clip, but if you can imagine the sound a cat being strangled then you've got the gist of it.

DbSO reader: "But how can someone who sings so horridly get a record deal?"

Well, reader, there are a few things that can help an aspiring singer achieve success. For one, it helps if your sister already has a career in the music industry. A reality show on good ol' MTV couldn’t hurt. Oh and when your daddy, who already has a successful career in the business, is your manager, it's almost impossible not to get signed.

In summation:

If you are going to be a singer, at least have some talent
Don't buy into MTV's bullshit
If all else fails, do the hoedown.

DbSO Cam Whores

2004-10-25T23:19:00.000-04:00

I bet most of you remember Tiny's want ad asking for our female fans to submit some provocative pictures for his admusment. Tiny doesn't believe in e-mail (he thinks the mail will steal his soul) so being the incredibly nice guy I am I volunteered my e-mail address for his cause. After spending minutes sifting through the thousands of responses the want ad received I uncovered three finalists for the DbSO cam whore award. The winner depends on you!

1. Candy "is dandy" Shmilliams

This lovely lady submitted three pictures along with the head shot I included for your viewing pleasure. She may have misunderstood the assignment, but I found the fire extinguisher a very tasteful think to insert in place of a pretzel. I hope the fire marshal doesn't find out. The other photographs included what I can only assume was her son in a very provocative pose with his (her?) mother.

2. Sandy "the body" McHasnads

I don't have much to say about Sandy McHasnads. Damn I feel dirty...

3. Henrynita "long dong" Anderson

My personal favorite. Henrynita is a very sensitive person, you can tell she has a soft but firm touch that soothes your soul with every caress. Second only to her sexy body and her loving eyes is the mystery of where she buys her pretzels. In her pretzel pics (I can't show you them because blogger doesn't like nudity, I hope they don't notice her nipples!) the pretzel she used is so long and thick! It also much be a weird local variety that I never saw before, it had what looked like a sack with candy eggs in it at the base of the pretzel. Looks like tasty treat that warranted a good long suck before biting into.

And there you have it, the three finalists, place your vote by leaving a comment to this thread, the winner gets a free DbSO limited edition sock signed by yours truly!

WLLY the Whale

2004-10-24T22:35:00.000-04:00

Since we are all posting our childhood masterpieces, I thought I'd post one of my own...then I realized that would be too sweet for you guys to handle so I decided instead to toss a story from my girlfriend up here. It's a fiery tale of passion, drama, romance and betrayal. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: "WLLY the Blue Whale", by Raena Gunsallus.

(disclaimer: Due to the extreme content of this material, persons that: have heart conditions, are sensitive to light, are pregnant or are taking Vioxx should not view the content of this material. Mr. Bellas takes no responsibility for the content of this novel. Viewer discretion is advised)

click on this for the story

[Editor's note: How hard is it to make a hyper link and do you pic right damnit!]

Car Armor

2004-10-24T13:24:00.000-04:00

Brett over at The Vision has reminded me that people are bad drivers. There are a hell of a lot of them out there too. So next time you are driving to go pick up one of your baby's daddys from the methadone clinic and some ass hole cuts you off, or on your way to that N.A.M.B.L.A. meeting and someone starts riding your bumper, remember its your fault you not protecting yourself. These kind of accidents are preventable with my newest invention, Car Armor®.

Car armor works on a simple principle, people stay away from things they are afraid of. It can be hard to scare people when they are in their car they think they are invincible in their half ton of metal and rubber, especial soccer mom's in their SUVs. So we at DbSO lavatories have researched people's primal fears and have found a few things that are universal fears in all drivers.

And now I present the outcome.

As you can see we took a '79 Olds' and transformed it into the ultimate driving machine. Let me give you a quick run down of the features. The first and most important feature is the giant prevention rod on the front of the car. This prevents people from pulling out in front of you. Think about it, who really wants to be rear ended by a giant rubber dick without lube? I know I sure don't and I bet Grandma Edith doesn't either, that will teach her to jet out of Wendy's parking lot right in front of you only to do 15 in a 50 zone. The front protection rod is available in three different colors and two different textures for your pleasure. Who is sitting on the back bumper you ask? Why its our good friend I.M. Cheetum attorney at law, who would want to rear end a car with lawyer sitting right on the trunk? This will send all tail gatters far away. The most effective piece of preventive accident protection on the DbSO-mobile is the giant Kenny G torso and head. This piece of foam rubber, plays Kenny G music at high volume, sending all drivers into a deep sleep or causing them to turn around to avoid the highly annoying sound emanating from your vehicle. Do not worry for you Olds' has a protective sound shield that prevents the sound from entering the cabin.

It's a small price to pay for an uninterrupted driving experience, but if a safe drives means having three cocks on your car, so be it. Click here for the full sized image of the Distracted by Shiny Objects-Mobile®

It's not Mine its Urine

2004-10-22T15:51:00.000-04:00

I've always answered the "A girl can do anything as good or better than a man" question with this, "I can pee standing up a lot better than you can." Well apparently, the fine people at Pee.Zees.com have heard my answer and went on a quest to prove me wrong. After what I am sure was many hours of bong hits and tweenkie eating an answer was found, the Pee-Zee. The Pee-Zee is nothing more than a cone placed over the pee-pee hole of a woman (no need for me to get vulgar). After this cone is placed over the pee-pee of the woman, she is told you think of a "weak garden hose" point and "shoot." After the lovely woman is done acting all manish and avoiding the squat, all she has to do is wash out the reusable Pee-Zee and fold it up and put it in their pocket (That's great because I love keeping things I peed on in my pocket....). In case that was too hard to follow allow me to show you how in three easy steps how to use your Pee-Zee (with pics ripped straight off the site).

Find a nice bush, take your bra off and put on a boys T-shirt. Hold your discreetly colored neon yellow pee tube for all to see.
Unzip the fly of your loosely fitting "I swear I got these in the girl's section" blue jeans. Stick the cone on your holiest of holes and let all your cares go down the drain (or in this case your grandmother's garden).
Take the yellow pee tube and rinse it off, fold it back up and stick it in your pocket. The continue to listen to the Indgo Girls or whatever you were doing beforehand.

Yeah, that's all it takes to use the Pee-Zee. How this makes life easier to a female is beyond me, instead of just popping a squat letting it go, you have to carry a big yellow tube around and look for a place to wash it off whenever you need to pee in nature's great playground. I'm sure there are other uses for this fine product though, like well, um, ok its a funnel who the fuck are they trying to kid?

Women aren't the only one who like their pissing to be convening though. Men hate just as much to have to stop whatever they are doing just to take a leak. SO next time you are waiting in line to get that special autograph from your favorite tele-tubbie at the comic covention or playing Counter-strike and you just can't wait, you can let it all go without a worry (or use those embarrassing depe"opps I shit my pants diaper"nds). It's the Stadium Pal concealed urinal. Look I'm not going to tell you any more about this product, because if you are lazy enough to want this, you are to lazy to read. But like 75% of the users of this site you only look at the pictures, so here's a pic of the system you lazy bastards.

Bloody Noises

2004-10-22T13:35:00.000-04:00

Since Tiny decided to have an impromptu "who can post the oldest peice of shit I wrote for school" competition, I'm firing back with this beauty from first grade. I have not edited any of the spelling or grammar -- it is exactly as it is when I wrote it many years ago, casting list and all. It's quite scary, so if you be faint of heart, turn back now!

Once there was a hotel. One man wanted a room. The bell boy told him they had one room left. Then he told him it was hanted. The man said I'm not afraid of ghosts. So he went to his room. He was reading the newspaper when he heard something. And it was saying bloody noises!!! So he went to the window and a hamster with a bloody nose poped up - and threw him out the window. Another man came and wanted a room. The bell boy told him the same thing. The man said I'm not afraid of ghosts. He went to his room and was playing the banjo. It was not long before he heard a voice singing along. It was saying bloody noises. So he went to the window and a hamster poped up. And threw him out the window. Another man came to the hotel. He also wanted a room the bell boy told him the same thing. And he said I'm not afraid of ghosts. So he went to his room and was sleeping. He heard bloody noesies. He woke up and ran to the window. And said we need a vetenareyen!

The End

by sonofatruckload

Charecters:

Hamster: Arnold Skerterhamster
Man 1: Constukshon worker
Man 2: Office Man
Man 3: Old Man
Bell boy: Just a bell boy

[childish teen swim]

2004-10-22T13:29:00.000-04:00

For those of you who don't know, Adult Swim is a late night block of cartoons (some great, some average) that airs every day cept friday from 11pm to 5 am on Cartoon Network. Now when this block first started, it was great. Between the shows, they would portray the characters (of whatever show was currently being aired...e.g. if they were playing futurama bender would be used) as a lifeguard on a poster promoting pool safety. Yes, i know it's tuff to understand if you've never seen it before and even more difficult to explain, yet i continue. Each different character would have his or her own unique style of promoting the safety of the pool and it was fantastic stuff. Nowadays, they have what they call "black and white cards" which are nothing more than random posts of adult swim fans. The 'best' posts are chosen from the adult swim website and aired (immediately followed by a response from adult swim) during the programming break. These beauties consist of everything from the fan's drunken mother to why someone hates apples. Is it just me or is the humor in that more than lacking. I can honestly say that i have yet to laugh after reading one black and white card. Thankfully, the shows they air are still great and can never be tainted by the wanna be comedians of adult swim.

Cleanup on Aisle 837!

2004-10-21T22:16:00.000-04:00

Trust is an essential component in any relationship, whether it be between a husband and wife, Roy (of Siegfried and Roy fame) and his tigers, or just two friends. However, certain things go beyond the limits of trust and cross into the realm of pure gullibility. Among these things, as I unhappily discovered, is to trust your life in a shopping cart to someone who is infamous for poor decision making. While this may seem to be a rather arbitrary, if not obvious observation, I feel that it is now my duty to caution the world of the dangers inherent in such escapades.

The fateful event took place after a blistering August day spent at Kennywood Park, enjoying the rides and the company of good friends. After the park closed, we decided to go to Taco Bell across the street and fill our bellies with Grade-D beef, tortillas, and cheese. Unfortunately for us, only the drive-through was open, so we could not eat inside. This was not much of a problem, however, as we were just as content to eat our meals outside in the parking lot, taking advantage of the mild summer night. Unbeknownst to myself, that tranquil evening was about to catapult itself into chaos and near catastrophe.

After finishing his chicken quesadillas, Alex, a boy with the attention span of someone with fewer chromosomes, wandered about the parking lot, searching for something to occupy himself with, if only for a few moments. Then, as if a gift from the gods, a lone shopping cart, unaccompanied by any hand to push it, slowly wheeled from around the corner of a building, squeaking and rattling as it came. Alex’ s eyes snapped toward the cart and locked on to it, all other things fading away into oblivion. And as this single object that had ensnared his attention came further into focus, it seemed that the cart cried out to him, “Here I am for your amusement! Use me as you will!” He announced the cart’s mysterious and sudden appearance, then broke out into a slow and deliberate jog toward the buggy, ever with his gaze fixed upon it. He cast a glance at me from over his shoulder, and I knew his intent. He seized the cart, which shimmered under the glow of the waxing moon, and bent its path toward us. It jittered forward on the cracked, uneven pavement and came to a jarring halt as it crashed into a nearby lamp-post.

We admired his discovery for a while, then began to contemplate a suitable use for it. Alex suggested that I climb into the shopping cart to be borne around the parking lot as if I were some royal monarch of Shop N’ Save. I declined, but he insisted that I would come to no harm. After a few minutes, I relinquished my protests and mounted the great metal steed of grocery store kings. “Onward!” I bid to Alex, only seconds before he let go of the reins. So began my perilous flight toward route 837; my royal carriage had suddenly become an iron cage of death, screaming as the wind swept through its grating. My pulse quickening, I tried to steer the great beast to safety, but my efforts were to no avail. I considered leaping from my pit of despair, but this seemed as though it would only end in excruciating pain; the skin tearing from my bones as I slid and scraped across the gray pavement, staining it with gore. Time did not stop or slow as I considered my options, and I remained barreling toward almost certain doom. I realized that I had but one choice now; let the guard rail uphold its name and deny my entrance to the thoroughfare. I neared the rail, braced myself for the impact, and feared the worst. With a terrible noise, I rocketed into the barrier, metal grinding and screeching on metal. I was nearly vaulted from the cart, headlong into the bustling traffic, but in a stroke of luck, my bent knees caught the front of my former steel chariot. My body folded and I fell out of the cart, collapsing on the hard, unforgiving concrete.

I was slightly bruised and scraped, but had managed to avoid an embarrassing death. And although I was bitter, I learned a valuable lesson that day: never trust anyone while inside of a shopping cart. For that matter, don’t get into a shopping cart at all, that is, unless your name is Captain Crunch or Aunt Jemima.

Bumbum = Campin!?

2004-10-21T20:09:00.000-04:00

Recently, I fell into one of my bored moments (as usually happens on a Monday night when I have no homework or just don't feel like doing it) and I started typing different web addresses into my browser to see if anything interesting would come up. Since I happen to be a tad on the immature side (and by a tad I mean completely), I found myself typing bumbum.com into the address bar. To my surprise it was actually a site! Oooooh but what a tricky site it was! You have to unlock its sexy secret just to enter! HOW EXCLUSIVE! You see, the homepage for bumbum.com is a map of our solar system...well not really a map but more like the 9 planets and the moon just floatin' around...anyways the trick is (and I hope I don't get assassinated for revealing undisclosed information) you have to click on either Jupiter or the moon to go any further. But hold on to your pants because you are in store for a [Editor's Note: Warning eThug slang ahead] WILD ADVENTURE OF CAMPING AND SHNUGGLIN' BY THE FIYAAAAH!![I warned you] Yes this website is dedicated to one family's slide show of their camping trip. Why the link is bumbum.com I haven't the foggiest, but each wonderful snapshot is so great that it must take up an entire window. Hell with compressing images for easy and quick loading! Anyways have fun with the site and its myriad of sexy pics. (Tiny please try and contain your masturbatory urges.)

Richard Simmons

2004-10-20T20:30:00.000-04:00

You must watch this video now. It is the most entertaining thing ever. Click here to watch Richard Simmons on Who's Line is it Anyway?

I'm in love with Richard Simmons, not for what he has done but for who he is. I'm sure there is a few portly women that can now say because of Richard Simmons they no longer have to grease up their thunder thighs to get into those special "sexy" jeans. But for the most part I am thoroughly convinced that he was put on this earth for one reason and that is to be ridiculous. Not since the man who invented the Florbee, has someone spawned so much humor by producing an inferior good. In this case the good is the Richard Simmons character himself. Think about it, he has on sparkly shirts all the time. He has a white man's afro. Have you heard the man speak. Fat women make him cry, every damn day. He is a glutton for abuse, his appearances on David Letterman and Howard Stern are the things of legend (Howard had a fried chicken dangle in front of one of Richard's portly exercise buddies throughout the show). All in all, Richard Simmons is a Shiny Object, mostly because that little fucker literally shines. Also after watching the video you might ask yourself "Hey myself, I though Richard Simmons was a lover of the Fat Chicks? Why is he acting so homosexual and why am I so turned on, why myself why?" Well I'll tell you, because he knows acting like a total fool is what made him who he is, and the only way anyone will ever pay attention to him. As for why you are so turned on? I'll leave you to think that one out yourself.

A strange zoo indeed

2004-10-20T14:50:00.000-04:00

I don't know what that picture is, what is going on with it, or what strangezoo.com is. I would check out strangezoo.com out, but I get the feeling its a sick twisted animal porn site, where that pic is the start of a weird mix of clown, animal, and stuffed animal porn. It even looks like the poor animal has a butt plug in. If you do not know exactly what a butt plug is, just look at the dog's face and posture, you'll get the idea [Editor's Note: or ask Tiny, he'll give you the information]. If you do go to strangezoo.com let us know what it is by posting a comment.

A horridly bad joke

2004-10-20T01:05:00.000-04:00

Driving home today I heard the coolest thing on the radio. Apparently they held the NBA draft the other day and in the third round the New York Nicks drafted Chewbaca as a center. I just think it is incredible that the NBA would let him play, but all I guess they didn't want to discriminate. Congrats to Chewie on becoming a NBA wookie.

I should be shot for posting that. Then again I could have posted worse (any joke on Ebaum's from page would have deserved a beating, whipping, then a slow painful death). Speaking of being shot, this girl's parents should be shot unless they too were eaten by lions. I've seen door knobs with more sense than that child.

I added a few links on the side of the site. Go ahead ignore them, see if I care. I added a few blogs that don't totally blow too.

You bastards are to lazy to click links

Uncle Quackerheimer and the Dancing Girls

2004-10-19T18:12:00.000-04:00

My dear Uncle Quackerheimer once said to me, "Boy, there will come a time when there just aren't enough wumperdinkles to go around. And then what will you do when the wombat-riding hordes of assassins from the isle of Fernando Poo come for you? What will you do?"

Being but a young lad a the time, I was terrified! Of course, this was before the invention of scumperwuzzles (a quite timely invention at that, may I add), which made wumperdinkles obselete for the most part. But none of this would have happened if it were not for my affair with Martha Washington (and her subsequent dealings with the Canadian Royal Mounted Police).

But what does this have to do with the sodium-potassium pump, you say? Everything, of course! If all those years whoring myself in Bangladesh taught me anything, it was how to properly treat an infected ankle-cap. The rest should be self-explanatory. I've practically spelled the whole thing out for you fools!

In conclusion, everyone wears a leather-padded crotch peice while riding their wombat. I know it's silly, but that's the tradition in conclusion. If you don't wear your leather-padded crotch peice in conclusion, you'll likely suffer many a taunt from native conclusians. You know what they say -- when in conclusion, do as they do in Fernando Poo, or he isn't a jolly good fellow (which nobody can deny).

In fact, there are also many strange customs. In fact, Karl Rove is everyone's second cousin. I don't know how that works out, it just does. In fact, you don't wear pants -- pants wear you. In fact, adjectives describe verbs and adverbs describe nouns. In fact, they make bread that is so unleavened, that when viewed from the side, it is invisible to the naked eye. In fact, everyone reads the Nancy cartoons and finds them extremely funny. In fact, you have to tell Santa Claus that children don't exist. In fact, the native alphabet is exactly the same as the English alphabet, except the letters from C to R consist of 137 random pornographic glyphs. And according to that, in fact, everything I just typed would end up looking something like Lovecraft meets Goatse meets Jenna Jameson meets the letters A, B, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.

I see said the blind man.

2004-10-18T23:39:00.000-04:00

Apparently my site has a small blind following. When I say blind I do not mean they will do whatever I say, because I said so. If I were to count them it would be in the thousands [Editor's Note: In the zeros]. I mean a person for one reason or another cannot see. This is in sharp contrast to most of you who like the purdy pictures. I think we can all learn from this girl, regardless if you have a disablility (or is a differently abled?), you can still waste time like the rest of us normal people. So next time you point and laugh at that fat chick in the rascal at Wal-mart, or the poor soul listening to the new Michael Bolton album, remember just because they are differently reenabledafied than you does not mean they don't waste time like you.

Oh and here is a picture just for our blind friend.

Amie (blind friend's "reader") tell her its a pretty pretty pony jumping over a rainbow.

Ben, not just for rice anymore.

2004-10-17T22:13:00.000-04:00

"Everyone was eager to see the network television premier of 16th annual Exotic Dancer Competition - Senior Tour"
[Editors Note: Apparently we have a fan. At least one that I can be sure of. The fan is pissed we don't update. So here is a update, as worthless as it is. This should also answer the question if an editor can add notes to his own work. Go to hell.]

Night of the Living Dead is the best movie I've seen in the last three hours. It earned this title for one reason. No not George Ramonoe's direction. Not the fact that it was filmed in my hometown. Not because it was a giant middle finger to all horror movies before it. But for one simple reason B to the E to the mother fucking N. Ben is a total badass, and should be on millions of elementary school's walls, right next to George Washinton and Kennedy. He exemplifies everything Shiny Objects stands for.

He doesn't take shit from no one. Even people who are in the cellar.
Your woman acting a fool? Smack the bitch.
You got a hammer? You got nails? You have a zombie proof house.
He is a bad ass, I need no more reasons.

I bet a lot of people never saw Night of the Living Dead who are reading this. That makes me and Ben sad, but it is understandable. Just remember Ben is your hero you don't need to know why, he just is.

Damn is he purdy.

Beowulf: The Lost Tales

2004-10-11T15:34:00.002-04:00

[Editor's Note: John being the sonofatruckload he is posted this three times, shame on him]
Through the ages, many tales
Of the heroic adventures of Beowulf
Have been told. But one neglected and
Forgotten now resurfaces. A tale of great
Struggle and conquest. It was in this triumph
That Beowulf did first discover his lust
For fame and immortal glory, and life beyond death.

A great and powerful adversary, long
Cloaked by the darkness of a defective light
Source, dwelling in the arctic and desolate casket
Of refrigeration and preservation did
Make its ferocious presence known
To the righteous men of Hrothgar. A jar,
Once containing the finest mayonnaise,
Had become corrupted by cruel, unforgiving
Time. For weeks, the savage creature stained
The nostrils of all who dared
Defy its presence in attempts to obtain
The provisions contained within the walls
Of the stainless steel icebox. But all hope
Of regaining its delicious contents was not lost.
A great hero arose in this time
Of matchless peril. The spoiled mayonnaise
Would soon meet its fate, combated by
The bravery and ingenuity of the young warrior
Called Beowulf. Upon hearing the terrible
Accounts of hundreds of men being
Overwhelmed by the dreadful odor alone
He bellowed:

“The jar of mayonnaise is no more foul smelling, nor
More resilient than the passages of my nasal
Cavity! I shall vanquish this foul demon with no
More effort than I would use in spreading
His unspoiled brethren upon the bread
Of my sandwich. My kinsmen, fear no future
Contamination, for I shall repress the beast
Once and for all!”

Hrothgar’s men did rejoice at these heroic
Words. The time drew near, and Beowulf acclimated
Himself to the inhuman stench
He would encounter, by whiffing the feet
And underarms of the Danes. Beowulf was
Now prepared, and departed to meet the
Great enemy. He advanced
To the kitchen, the fate of the spoiled
Mayonnaise, drawing ever closer.
With a powerful tug, Beowulf jerked open
The great doors of the chilled chamber.
He was met with the odor’s full force, an
Aroma rivaled only by the most foul and
Putrid dragon excrement. But Beowulf did
Not falter. He snatched the accursed jar
From the refrigerator and hastily secured
The lid. The great terror was overcome
By the bravery of young Beowulf.
But this day’s deeds were not yet concluded,
As Beowulf placed an open box of baking
Soda deep within the belly of the great icebox,
Assuring no future assailments on the noses
Of the good people of Hrothgar. And from this
Great accomplishment, Beowulf emerged as
A hero to his people, and a protector
Of perishable food items throughout the world.

Flowbee, Flowyou, Flowme

2004-10-06T19:13:00.000-04:00

Hats off to the man who invented the flowbee. You remember the flowbee, it was advertised that night you stayed up all night with the stomach flu. The flowbee is a true shiny object, it is a source of endless amusement. Whoever invented this gem must have been the single smartest man to ever live, Steven Hawkings-smockins. Its just funny to look at people using the flowbee they think they are so smart and stylish while being frugal while they butcher their scalp, see figure a. This is dwarfed by the great job the flowbee did on said persons hair, see figure b. But I suppose the most amusing part of the flowbee is thinking about the level of intelligence of the average flowbee user, see figure c below.

Reading Induced Hunger

2004-10-06T11:19:00.000-04:00

Try and read this recipe and not be hungry. Its impossible. I am not even sure I know what an artichoke tastes like, but I bet it tastes a lot better than this. But once again I never had Ten Dog's Penis Soup before, but I do know that their Vagina Pot Pies suck. I rather eat them than food endorsed by this man though.

Just look at that smug look on his face, I bet he doesn't even wash off those oversized gloves while he boils those soy wads they call hamburgers. McDonald's is the nations most popular eatery, and that is the reason I have no faith in the general public.

No I don't have a thing for sharks...

2004-10-05T19:15:00.000-04:00

John Glenn ridding a silver penis while avoiding being eaten by a shark. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tired. I wonder how the planning went for that one?

Mayor I.P. Freely: We need to represent our space history more, since Bush wants to go to mars! Plus its shark week on Discovery channel. The budget is low, we can only aford one float, what can we do?!

Dan Prokop: I want the gay population represented!

Mayor I.P. Freely: I'm sure we will work something out.

Speaking of the discovery channel since when has it become interior decorating TV with a sidecar of motorcycle disfunctional family TV? I remeber when it only sucked half the time you watched it. TLC is now at 100% saturation of that shit. At least the History Channel is still goign strong, gotta love 24/7 coverage of WWII....

Pleasure rod

2004-10-05T17:31:00.000-04:00

Hi kids. Looks like we will be adding another poster to the mix, like you fucking care. One thing I do know you guys like is a vibrating shaft that is to be plunged into one's special places, otherwise known as a dildo. Well someone wrote a little ditty about everyone’s favorite AA powered friend. You can watch it, here. In case you were wondering the link is safe for work, so fret not. I know you guys are reading this blog, you need to comment too. Even if the posts are lame.

We have disembodied heads

2004-10-05T10:30:00.000-04:00

Not only do we have disembodied heads, we have we. Sonofatruckload is also writing for this now, he's a bastard. We will also have other bastards posting on this too, if you think you are a bastard maybe I'll let you post on it too.

All you need is a pic of you looking like an asshole and an internet connection. If I find your wasted effort interesting enough I'll toss it up here.

In other news, Audioscrobbler sticks a listing of everything you listen to on the internet for no apparent reason, its a shiny object.

Waxing Your Ass For Grandma

2004-10-04T16:22:00.000-04:00

If there was one thing I knew about Grandma, it was that she enjoyed a smooth, hairless buttocks as much as the next gal. So one Christmas, when the family had no extra money to spend on gifts, I knew just what to put in grandma's stocking. During the wee hours of the morning on Christmas day, I mounted the bathroom sink with a roll of duct tape and a thick peice of leather.

I toiled for a great sum of hours, clamping down on the leather to muffle my shrieks of pain. Finally, the sun began to rise, just as I was delicately plucking the last remaining hair. I quickly disposed of the used strips of duct tape, which were thickly matted with my underfur. I slid down the steps on my frictionless fanny and jumped headlong into grandma's stocking, with only my boyish, glistening buttocks left peeking above the top. Not a moment later, grandma came running down the stairs, eager to see what good Saint Nick had brought for her.

Now grandma doesn't exactly have perfect eyesight in her old age, so when she came around the corner and first saw the rounded mounds of my bum protruding from her stocking, she mistook them for two of the silver ice weasels that are common in these parts. She seized her broom and came at my exposed derrier, swinging the bristles furiously. Caught off-guard and literally with my pants down, there was nothing I could do to fend off her brutal attack. The broom scratched and mangled my previously pristine posterior, which is still scarred to this very day.

The moral of the story is, I think, don't let grandma mistake your ass for ice weasels.

Shark-knife

2004-10-04T01:53:00.000-04:00

This is by far the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. That's right that is something that you strap onto your arm, there has to be like 27 sharp edges on that thing, and its in the shape of a fish. A meat eating fish, wtf people. They are selling these things on Ebay. I can hear it now...

Little Jimmy: Mom can I have your credit card to buy a pocket knife?

MILF: Sure Jimmy

now fastforward a few weeks....

Little disfigured Jimmy: Ow shit my arm, face and eye. ouch.

Also I'd like to point out how buff the model is. I may have spoke too soon, this is by far the most disturbing thing I have ever seen on the internet. At risk of losing viewers I will have to make you click a link to see the most disturbing image on the internet®

[Editors note: There are far more disturbing images on the internet, but this "blog" is rated PG-13 for language not sordidness]

Banannaphone.

2004-10-03T20:24:00.000-04:00

It's for you.

80's Action Movies

2004-10-03T19:35:00.000-04:00

Being a baby of the 80's (a great Something Corporate song BTW), has some advantages. Ghostbusters were fucking cool as all hell, but not as cool as The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Other than maybe, Looney Toons these were the two coolest TV shows ever made. They will stay on the top of the list unless one of the networks pick up my idea of a show about ninja computer hackers with really cool (but not trendy) hair styles who's only goal is to beat up bad guys and save the day, because if they don't save the say who will? I don't see you doing anything about it. But I digress...

Anyways the 80's were a cool time to grow up, we had slip 'n slides AND Nintendo, how badass was that? So after you went down the Slip 'n Get Muddy and totally cut a 5 inch gash down your side you can grab a Freezer Pop and play your NES while you wait for your wound to get infected (true story). Oh.... my point, 80's action movies were great. They all had the same plot too, so if you missed the first half you were already up to speed. They all broke down like this, a cop and/or military guy is the only one sent to fight an army of terrorists, aliens or clowns on PCP, but when he does this he gets heat from a stupid police chief, army commander, or the United States of America. After all is said and done, something will get blown up and have a way to big for its own good fireball arise from it, the hero will say something to the corpse he just killed, and the hero will lose his shirt (it doesn’t make it a good genre, but it does happen in every movie, trust me). Before you get all geeked about 80's action movies remember, most of these are good because they are so gut wrenchingly bad you can't help but to laugh at them, but not on purpose to be ironic ala Evil Dead. Check it out they review about all of the stereotypical 80's action films in typical ruthless fashion. They also review current movies and books Steimer style, so check it out.

Oh, before I forget I stole this premise from here: Ruthless Reveiws 80's Action Guide. They also review current movies and books Steimer style, so check it out.

If was a typicaly live journal girl

2004-10-02T11:02:00.000-04:00

This is an example of what this blog should not be but will most liklely turn into, exept I am not a Teenage girl...

Oh my GOD!!!! Can you beilve the football player who sat in front of my today! He didn;t know woh the cure was! Why are jocks so dumb! They are so rude and closed minded, I hope they all die they are all the same! Just becuase I shop at hot topic and am totaly goth dosn't mean that I am weird! I only talk to people who shop at hot topic, they are the ones who have sence. I can't wait till I get out of this prision of highschool! AND away from my EVIL parrents, they wouldn't let me take the BMW out last night! Why do they hate me!!! And they told me I couldn't paint my room black, don;t I have any rights! What do you think they made the 5th admendment for anyway! OMFG and the sky is blue! Why does it have to be blue! Why does the world hate me. That boy that is totaly in love with me looked at me today all day thought class. But he might have just beem taking notes. He totally digs me, I had dream we made out last night, and hestarting to sing me Dashbord!!!! I love him; I am going to carve his initials into my thigh, so I have to go. Also Tiffany you have to call me!

Current Mood:
Playful (insert over sized pastelcolored emotioicon here)

Listening to:
Come on party people - *Nsync

Stupid pop-ups

2004-10-01T10:30:00.000-04:00

Just so you know, Internet explorer sucks. All those ads that keep popping up on your computer, they don't have to be there. Unless you really want to know about the latest development in penis pill technology, or you think that free iPod thing will work for you, stop using IE.

Firefox blocks popups automatic, and is less vunarable to all those bad things that make you computer suck. So buy some penis pills or click the link below (no I don't get money for this).

Spread Firefox!

(do those pills work?)

The Debate

2004-10-01T10:20:00.000-04:00

I am not going to get political. So here is a graphical representation of what I thought of the debate. You can interpret it however you want.

What I don't want out of this.

2004-09-30T23:48:00.000-04:00

I really do not want to turn this into a typical blog where I ramble on how the sky being blue is against me. To many blogs I've seen made by my friends and the like were nothing more than them bitching about their life and how the sky being blue is working against their white middle class lives. I do not want to be that.

I will be bitching, often. Just not about my life, just things I find amusing and/or over all piss me off. Interestingly enough this started about a website about poo.