Farewell

It's been a great year, we've laughed, we've cryed, we've listened to stories of Tiny's self manipulation (many times), but it's time to throw in the towel. Our readers (that's you guys) have seemed to have lost interest in us these past few months, therefore i believe it is time to say goodbye. Don't be sad, all good things must come to an end, but remember, DbSO lives on in all of YOU.

Remember Steimes, founder of this site and close friend of the pope. Tiny, a man who defies the laws of nature by not being blind or having hairy palms. MZP, sultry siren of DbSO and lover of all things erotic and animated, Sergio,...a cat fetus. Sonofatruckload, although his posts may have been few, his spirit fueled the furnace that kept this place warm, and last but not least, your pal, ZBee. Is it even possible to resist his charm and all around good looks? Many have tried but nary a soul has accomplished such a daunting task. with posts that informed the public of the rednecks' plan to conquer the world, Ashlee Simpson's amazing vocal talent, (or lack thereof) and the legendary beverage of the gods, can we ever forget ZBee? i submit that we cannot!

but seriously folks, we appreciate each and every one of you guys and thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Without you we wouldnt have lasted one day but we've managed to stay alive for over a year. So for the last time, this is ZBee reminding you to stay gangsta and keep it crunk. Peace out homies.

Crunk Juice

this post, of course is about that legendary sipsip known as crunk juice. now many of you may be asking yourselves: "What is this mysterious beverage and how do i unlock the secret to its power!?" well ill tell ya motherfucker so quit asking! Crunk juice is the drink of the gods. It was bestowed upon little john by Crunkalopolis, god of almighty energy, to distribute to the most qualified and virtuous champions on the planet. those who drink it will experience power unfathomable to the human mind. mountains will move at your will, you will be able to breathe water just as if it were air, flight will no longer be just a dream, but one of many abilities that most humans are not ready to behold. The drinkers of crunk juice will be able to crush buildings with their eyelashes, punch holes into the space time continuum, and throw brandon jolls into outerspace with one hand. i am one such drinker of the sacred sip, and this post serves as a warning to all those who defy me. the day of reckoning is at hand. you have no chance to survive make your time.

...

Im at a loss for words my fellow DbSO'ers...i cant even contemplate a title horrible enough to describe the travesty that i witnessed while walking through walmart late one night. As you are all aware, the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" has gained great popularity with todays americans, and why not? with comedic gold such as jokes about the rise of gas prices, or how larry the cable guy is ironically disgusted by fat people, who wouldnt laugh at such GUT BUSTING HILARITY!? but the material of these so called comedians is not what this post is (primarily) about. The aforementioned travesty on which my eyes befell happened to be in the toy aisle of a local walmart. since i am at a loss for words, i will simply let the pictures tell the story...




Yea, that's right...blue collar comedy tour dolls complete with their one liners and jokes to further decrease the IQ of the population. yes, these boys are very blue collar alright, its not like they have millions of dollars from their comedy specials, DVD's, CD's, and now plush toys, NOOOOO, they work their hands to the bone to provide what little they can for their families.

Listen, im not telling you what to laugh at here, if you honestly think that these guys are funny then more power to you. All im saying is dont take everything at face value, these guys are no more blue collar than bill gates. if you still dont believe me then you can go to walmart, buy a blue collar doll, and quickly, but more importantly, safely insert it into your anal cavity and continue to enjoy that mind numbing dribble you call humor.

JDRF Prejudicial?

If you are a TV fanatic like me, then by now im sure you've seen the commercial for the Juvenille Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF) in which children are depicted sharing their ideas on what a hero is to them. Not just any hero, however, for these kids want us to know who their "bestest hero" is. They hint to us that their hero is niether a princess nor a cowboy, thus ruling out half the population of texas and cinderella. The children go on to share, that their hero could be a mommy! Ok so lets recap; to save these children you must have certain qualifications...

no.1) no tiaras, tea time, or crashing your car as a result of paparazi pursuit (too soon?)

no.2)if you enjoy country music, spend your day herding cattle, lassoing sheep, and bull riding, or if you play football for the city of dallas, then im sorry but you are not eligible to donate money to the foundation.

no.3)if you have given birth to a child or if you are pregnant, or believe that you are pregnant then you must send either a copy of your child's birth certificate or two(2) positive pregnancy tests along with your donation to the JDRF.

Now im sure that the JDRF is a great organization that is helping children all over the world, but i think that if they just learn to accept people no matter their profession, then they would be much more respected and for that matter, funded.

Reader Mail bag...sort of

Hummm Steimes back after months....time for a mail bag....

I got this e-mail a few months ago, but becuase I am a lazy lazy lazy dude, I am just now posting it for your reading pleasure.

Dear Mr. Fancy Pants,

I have been reading your internet newspaper on my grandmother's WebTV for the past two weeks and thirteen days. In that time, I have been revolted, shocked, angered, constipated and slightly chapped. You should be ashamed of yourself Mr. I Can Put Perverterd Pictures of The Pope on the Internet Box! You caused me such trouble (although I can't be too sure you caused the last two alements, but I have my subspitions) and discomfort that I am called my aturney [sic] and having you and your internet magazine subscription service shut down for EVAR [also, sic]. You family should bow their heads in shame for producing a offspring capable of such moral turpatude and ill repute! Never in my 27 years of working as a life guard at the local carwash have I ever seen or heard such language that comes from your world wide web of filth. I was talking to my spiritual advisors Billy Grahm and Jerry Farwell over the TV and they both agree, it is passe to where white after labor day, and the Boston Red Sox and the NHL are plotting to take over the world. And another thing, that whole thing with you stealing JonBenet Ramsey from her home is awful, give her back. Please pay my gas bill, I got a shut off notice....

And after that it was fourteen printed pages of the letter k repeating. I am not sure of the mental state of our seemingly confused writter, but we are currently taking donations to help him or her get some mental help...and the fuck off of WebTV....


If you have any questions, coments, death threats or reports that I may or maynot be the father of your children please send an e-mail to Steimes@gmail.com.

Alzheimer's, Tragic or Blessing?

Now before you all send me terrible hate filled e-mails about how your great grandmother's pimp twice removed has Alzheimer's and it should never be made fun of, hear me out. My grandfather has it too, and it is a painful thing to witness him forget where he placed his suppository (and more painful for me to retrieve it for him...) and porno, it can also has its fringe benefits.

I went to the local Ponderosa and decided to get my fair share of diarrhea inducing slop n' cornbread. Aside from the usual onslaught of body odor bellowing from the cows grazing at the all you can eat fried chicken bins; it was a rather pleasant meal. The best part of the meal was from the ever popular"make you own ice cream cone machine." I was in a heated argument with my date on weather the pink or yellow power ranger was in fact the hottest of the two and placed a few chopped nuts into the bottom of my cone. I finished my cone as we both agreed the black power ranger was in fact the hottest ranger and reached the nuts, wow what a surprise that was (and a welcome mental image, nice salty nuts in my mouth and a hot man running through my mind)! Now if only Alzheimer's could use these type of surprises to their advantages, the disease could be looked at as a blessing not a burden.

The Hotness

Just think of the possibilities, got a shitty dead end job cleaning the bed sheets at the brothel? Forget about it.

Bad case of genital warts keeping you from an active sex life? Forget you have them and go bareback! No worries.*

Don't update you web site for months on end, opps sorry Alzheimer's!

Misplace the car keys? Fuck you didn't even remember you had a car, I wonder what color it is?

Can't erase the faces of all those people you violently sodomized and beat to death with fresh produce during your tour with Green Peace in the early 90's? You can now!

So if you or a loved one is diagnosed with Alzheimer's , remind them that it isn't all that bad, then remind them again because... well you know.


*warp it up guys, we have enough assholes like you around already.

Men's Room

I am sure I am in the minority here but, I love public restrooms. I like peeing in foreign places, legally. Almost as much as I love peeing foreign places illegally (like you never took a wizz in the fountain at the mall). Its just nice and refreshing to take a satisfying pee in a urinal, its the best. And if you pee in a kiddie urinal its like an instant confidence boster, hey hey lookin' big today lil' Steimes. Its like you don't have to aim when faced with a urinal, I just put my hands behind my head and let it fly wherever it wants, pee free or die baby. Oh course there is a danger of going into a stall tiny has visited, but as long as you avoid the man cream, you will be fine.

As expected, not everyone thinks the same way as me (and will be killed when I come into power). This guy hates public restrooms, but I have to admit he has his points. Because the cartoon character looks like me, I am going out on a limb and saying that this cartoon was made for me and DbSO.* Give it a watch (its a flash)


Click here to watch, or the pic above my big fat floating head.


*Flash not really made for us, but we are special and like to think they had us in mind

His Fetusness, Pope Sergio I

Pope Sergio I
Damn those guys work fast. I was just working on my campaign of propaganda in which I would reveal why I, Sergio, should be the next Pope. I figured I had atleast another day to get this project up and running. Well, anyways..in hopes of them reversing the decision (I mean, come on, you all saw it here first...that guy looks like Sidious [Editor's note: the creapy emproror from starwars]) Or in case that old dude gives in to the Big Guy as well, here is why you should support Pope Sergio I...

Pro-Abortion: Otherwise, I wouldn't be standing here today. (well, more like floating) So who am I to judge? Though, I'd probably phrase it more as "pro-women's choice" because if I had the opportunity, I would've liked to experience birth (even though being aborted was better than nothin...you gotta take what you can get!) and it would have been nice to find out which no-no spot parts I'd develop. Which brings me to my next point... (good segue, huh?)

I would support the women who want to become priests. I never had the chance to
actually develop all the necessary parts, so I was never able to determine my actual gender. And I wouldn't want to discriminate against myself.

I can also bring a philosophical look that would help everyone figure out the meaning of life, such as "which came first, the fetus or the fucking cats?" ...that's cats that are fucking...not 'fucking cats' like i'm bitter or something just because they have penises and a thick coat of fur and open eyes. That would be silly of me.

Well, that is why, in a nutshell, I should be the Pope. I think these are major issues that people wanted in their pope. But my ship may have passed.

Maybe you guys could just elect me the DbSO Pope?

How 'bout that?

conspiracy?

The Twin, The Parents, The Outcome

Some times I wonder if I had a twin. When I say wonder, I really mean, have a pretty good idea I had a twin. Now I say had, because its pretty obvious that I do not have a twin now, unless we keep him in the tool shed, the tool shed that I am not aware of. Anyways, back to my twin theory.


Me and my twin

I guess I should start back to the day I was born. I imagine I was an easy birth, being that I am perfect 'n such. So I came out in like 45 minutes or so, no fuss no mess. But like after my mom is all dressed and ready to go home and cook and clean (what else do they do?) 45 minutes after I was born she feels like she has indigestion (I should also point out I think child birth feels a lot like when you eat bad taco bell). So she goes back into the room and the doctor confirms her fears. This time the unexpected twin gives my poor mother 18 hours of hellish pee pee wrenching child birth, probably like driving a mack truck through a donut whole. He is born and my parents are devastated, they only wanted one, not two for fucks sake. So my mom and dad try to sneak me out of the hospital and leave my unnamed and unwanted twin there. But of course they come after them screaming you forgot your baby. Damnit.

They have to take him home anyways. They decide to try out having me and my twin for a year or two, but don't give him a formal name so not to get attached. They just refer to him as "that other one." He is so dumb and smelly and I am so perfect, the poor twin never had a chance of gaining their love. Poor Bastard. So for my first birthday party I think instead of getting me presents and having a party, they made a special meat pie. Now I am not saying what the pie was made of, but it rhymes with "fead maybe farts." And from my first birthday on, me my mom and dad lived happy ever after together.

Now I am sure some of you think my superstition, although completely manifested in my mind without proof, makes my parents sick demented incestual cannibals, but to me, it just shows how much they love me and how special they think I am.


For a written transcript of this post please send a self addressed to e-mail Steimes@gmail.com, or alternatively copy and paste this text.


Also on another note I wonder how many google hits I will get from people searching for incestual cannibals...

Hats off to you

Yup, its going to be one of those posts

[Editor's note: Sorry the site was broken this and most of last week, there were some problems with the webserver. Some parts of the site will not work properly, but since those are mostly older posts, no big deal right?]As I said before, in my absence I missed a lot of opportunities. While I was ignoring my website I was ignoring my damn cell phone's voicemail. Normally its just the usual voice messages "Hey Steimes, the cock fight has been pushed back till Friday," or "Call me back if you want to know what happened to Sonofatruckload, or if you ever want to see him again, you have two hours." You know nothing to special, so I usually only check them about every other week.

Wouldn't you know it, the one time I get an important message on my voice mail I don't check it until it is to late. It was from Italy, apparently they wanted me to check my e-mail for an job offer (I don't check my e-mail often either). So I finaly get around to checking the mail and I get this little nugget:

To: Steimes@gmail.com
From: HolyRoller420@TheVat.co.va

Subject: A new has job just opened up - act fast!

Hey wazz'up steimes!!!!11!!1 Its been a long time since we partied man, that was a wild time. We haven't rocked this joint like that since the crusades mo' fucker. Cardinal Bellio still doesn't know about what you did to him when he passed out, but needless to say we all bust out laughing when he eats pickles, poor bastard has no idea.

Anyways, I'm writing this to offer you a job. In case you haven't heard our boss retired and we are looking for his replacement. Me and the other cardinals have been talking it over and you are the right mother fucking bastard for the jizzob. This place ain't the same with you around and none of us lazy assholes feel like lugging around that stupid ass hat all day. Anyways hit us back when you get this.

Peace out bitch!
Cardinal Tintouls

P.S. If you take the offer or not, we always have plenty of wine and alter boys, so come on over and lets rock this bitch.

By the time I got the e-mail and responded, he said it was to late. Apparently they are making a big deal about the replacement and with the media and all they have to do it about the book. Anyways I got to thinking about it, and I was thinking maybe DbSO should have a pope. The pope wouldn't really have any special job to do or anything, just sit around and look like a bad ass in the hat. So I am having a contest, all you have to do is submit a picture of you in a pope hat, and we will vote on the winner. I don't know if this will get many submissions so to start it off I made the DbSO crew in pope hats.


Tiny also has a pope for this bishop.


She likes her hat a bit smaller.
John misunderstood the assignment


Bellas likes his ladys and the ladys like the pope hat.

Like you didn't see this one coming


Ok there you have it, my photoshop skills are great as always. You know where to send the hate mail to....

I have bad taste

despite the rumors, I have not died. I was not abducted by a secret government funded ninja death squad made up of large breasted women and taken to their super secret hideout and beaten for hours in hopes of revealing the secrets of my talking fetus pet and time machine. Despite Mz. P's constant recommendation and coaxing I was not shooting man on man on vegetable porn with Tiny. Where the hell was I then? Lazyvill, 'nuff said.

So I missed a lot of golden humor opportunities while I was gone, as well as lost a lot of regular readers as well. Well if you are reading this, you either stayed or are new. If you are new then you should know these three things.

1. If you are easily offended, this site is not for you
2. Never drink anything Tiny gives you.
3. Seriously, I am going to offend like 85% of people just four of five lines down from this.

So back to the show....

One of the big stories during my trip to Lazyvill was the Terri Shcivo case. I don't know why this was such a big debate really, to me it was a no-brainer since day one (*rim shot*). But regardless of your moral feelings about this case any business minded person would have been a fool not to see the endless marketing potential in this media circus.



Well I am glad at least the fine people at ABC can smell a goldmine when they um.. smell one. They are planning on producing a made for TV movie about the whole ordeal. They said that the hardest part will be casting the roll for the lead. We at DbSO lavatories have even been contacted on assisting the producers at ABC with the casting. Although I cannot say who we have chosen due to the non-discosulre agreement we had to sign, I think I can bend the rules and show you a picture of our proposed leading lady.




Well we are back, did you miss us? I missed you, well most of you. I will try to post more, I promise. As always e-mail any and all death threats to Steimes@gmail.com.

Sergio Breaks the Ice

"DbSO updated?! WTF!"

Since no one else is updating, I figured I could. I mean,
hell, I'm just a cat fetus in a jar. What else do I have
better to do?

So i go to this chinese place...seems like a nice establishment.
Beautiful panda decorations and friendly waitors asking
"what you wrike to wrink?" and I'm like, I don't care, just
give me the buffet. I wanted to avoid all possible communication
with the strange men that I cannot understand. That and I
wanted delicious chinese food. But some of the chicken tasted
funny. Aparently there are some rumors going around that
chinese food is made from cat. what?!?! This is insane...an
outrage. Those bastards! oh, but it's so good! I can't stop
eating it! I love the taste, and rolling the meat around in
their special sauce. Does that make me sick?

I could try to make sense (or even make a point) to this
story but i'm not going to. Instead, I will recommend that
you visit this site. It is a nice little site about a place
called Cat Town, and apparently, in this particular story,
they took part in the same horrible act that I did. (you'll
have to read it all to see what I mean). What all
of this means, I'll never know. But I wonder....was it the
act of eating their own kind that drove them crazy
to the point of wearing those ridiculous hats? Cuz if it is...
order me up one of those frog ones...they're sweet! I am sooo
not giving up chinese food!

Sergio Breaks the Ice

"DbSO updated?! WTF!"

Since no one else is updating, I figured I could. I mean,
hell, I'm just a cat fetus in a jar. What else do I have
better to do?

So i go to this chinese place...seems like a nice establishment.
Beautiful panda decorations and friendly waitors asking
"what you wrike to wrink?" and I'm like, I don't care, just
give me the buffet. I wanted to avoid all possible communication
with the strange men that I cannot understand. That and I
wanted delicious chinese food. But some of the chicken tasted
funny. Aparently there are some rumors going around that
chinese food is made from cat. what?!?! This is insane...an
outrage. Those bastards! oh, but it's so good! I can't stop
eating it! I love the taste, and rolling the meat around in
their special sauce. Does that make me sick?

I could try to make sense (or even make a point) to this
story but i'm not going to. Instead, I will recommend that
you visit this site. It is a nice little site about a place
called Cat Town, and apparently, in this particular story,
they took part in the same horrible act that I did. (you'll
have to read it all to see what I mean). What all
of this means, I'll never know. But I wonder....was it the
act of eating their own kind that drove them crazy
to the point of wearing those ridiculous hats? Cuz if it is...
order me up one of those frog ones...they're sweet! I am sooo
not giving up chinese food!

Sergio Breaks the Ice

"DbSO updated?! WTF!"

Since no one else is updating, I figured I could. I mean,
hell, I'm just a cat fetus in a jar. What else do I have
better to do?

So i go to this chinese place...seems like a nice establishment.
Beautiful panda decorations and friendly waitors asking
"what you wrike to wrink?" and I'm like, I don't care, just
give me the buffet. I wanted to avoid all possible communication
with the strange men that I cannot understand. That and I
wanted delicious chinese food. But some of the chicken tasted
funny. Aparently there are some rumors going around that
chinese food is made from cat. what?!?! This is insane...an
outrage. Those bastards! oh, but it's so good! I can't stop
eating it! I love the taste, and rolling the meat around in
their special sauce. Does that make me sick?

I could try to make sense (or even make a point) to this
story but i'm not going to. Instead, I will recommend that
you visit this site. It is a nice little site about a place
called Cat Town, and apparently, in this particular story,
they took part in the same horrible act that I did. (you'll
have to read it all to see what I mean). What all
of this means, I'll never know. But I wonder....was it the
act of eating their own kind that drove them crazy
to the point of wearing those ridiculous hats? Cuz if it is...
order me up one of those frog ones...they're sweet! I am sooo
not giving up chinese food!